• The one that got away

    by  • July 20, 2011 • * Safe for Work *, Heartbreak • 0 Comments

    G,

    I’m not sure where to begin. I guess I should just start with the truth since I know that you will never see this letter ever. I love you. Still. I never stopped. I tried to tell myself that I stopped because, well I’m not sure of what the reason was other than my pride. I wish that I had no let that get in the way. If I hadn’t I would not be in the pain that I am in now. I don’t think that I will ever stop loving you. Do you remember how I used to tell you that my mom would always say to me that I would know right away that I found the love of my life, the one for me and remember how I used to say that I thought it was you. I still do. I know it’s true. I really believe that you are, well were, the one for me. I can’t help the way that I feel. I know It’s terrible to still feel that way with you having your own family now. I just can’t help it. I tried to ignore it for so long that I just blew up in my face and hurt worse than I ever could have imagined. I remember everything like it was just yesterday that we were together, telling you how much I missed you and loved you. All I wanted was for you to come home to me and be together. I don’t think that either one of us stopped loving each other, I think we gave up because of our pride, it told us too. We gave up. We simply gave up because we were too proud to fight. I regret that more than anything. I don’t ever regret decisions that I make because everything happens for a reason, that over time has been proven to me. I can’t find a reason for this though. You and I breaking up has not brought me something that I would not have had with you. I would still have the same friends, everything, etc. Nothing would be any different than it is now except for maybe a few bad things that have happened since then. I don’t know what triggered this blow up of emotion about you, I don’t know what caused me to realize that this is true, that I love you still. I made myself believe this lie that I was telling everyone and myself. Not even my mother knew how I felt. It’s been two years, I thought that this would go away like it always does and it has not. The worst part is that I had a chance to tell you everything, look you straight in the face and scream at you to love me and give us a chance., the day we met at Starbucks .That day, I was so cold, I put up this front like I didn’t care, I made myself believe that I was in love with S. I threw this love that I had for you at him and I think he became a lesser you. You believed me. You looked in my eyes and believed me. I remember walking into work a few days after that and Sam calling me and telling me that you had made her promise you not tell me what she did. That you did still love me and that It broke your heart when I told you about Steven. I wish that you had not believed me so well. I guess I can see how you did though. I believed myself. Everyone did. In the end I hurt him. I left him because I think deep down I knew that it wasn’t right and I think he felt it too and he changed, he turned into something he wasn’t. So in this hideous process of trying to convince myself that I don’t love you I hurt someone else other than me. I hurt you and me. Now you have this beautiful son and a beautiful step daughter, and your wife. Your beautiful little family, I’m sure you know that I have talked with C after she called me late one night bitching about my phone calling you. I was just tired of looking like the bad person. I’m not. At the time I wrote her I was still in this self induced coma of lies. I really meant everything that I said to her. I DO respect her and your family. Your children and everything I honestly do. I know the pain she is going through. I was a part of that type of family not so long ago. I can’t help the way that I feel though. I just can’t. I just have to put to rest that it’s over for now for us. Whatever the future brings I don’t know. I just know I have to pick up the pieces now and just keep my head up and try to keep myself together. Lying to my self has done nothing but prolong and worsen the pain from our breakup. I genuinely hope that you are happy and I wish you the best happiness.

    Julie

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