• Slow Death

    by  • July 20, 2011 • Friends • 0 Comments

    Pen,

    One of the letters on this site said something about a sudden explosion being the surest and cleanest way of ending things, rather than something that goes on for weeks or months or years and leaves embers of questions in the wake. I wonder what our ending was? Was it slow and protracted like it felt like – a toxic diseased spread of slow death? Or was it as sudden and violent as it often feels?

    I believe we that our 23 year friendship was just like human life, an experience of love and pain and beauty and loss all wrapped up in a package of aging and dying. That was always okay with me. I think you were just too sick with your own bitterness and elevated expectations and ludicrous resentment to learn to be okay with the metamorphosis that every love needs to go through. You bottled it up, you let it burn an acrid hole in your gut and then you blew.

    Woman, can I tell you what a relief it is to have your venom out of my life? We were friends for so long that it wasn’t until you were gone from my life that I could see how defending you to every person around us and trying to lift you up into your own light was taking the light and life out of me. You sapped my spirit. Every time I went to your house, I would walk out feeling substantially more miserable than when I had entered. You spent so much of your life talking about the failings of others and pointing fingers that you forgot to take care of yourself and then you used me like your favourite place to shit and put all your angst and remorse and hatred onto me in order to push yourself off of this place I still call home. It is my home, more than it ever was yours or ever will again be.

    I can let you go – even happily. What I’m struggling with is the poisoning you’ve been doing to your kids and mine too. When you hurt my children, you have stepped too far. I was willing to leave our friendship in its broken state, to give you the space that every human deserves to make their own way and to forgive you for your angry methods. Then you hurt my daughter. Then you used Julia as a tool in your one-sided fight. THen you told your children that they couldn’t be friends with me or my children, either in life or virtually. Your daughter wants me in her life and someday you’ll have to let her make her own choices. I saw each of them born, as you saw mine born. I am like blood to them, as you are to mine. I will NEVER USE THEM like you have. I trust them as individuals and feel that they are due the respect and freedom to make their own choices, but your evil and angry venom will not allow it.

    I am free of you and can breathe now, but I will always be a part of your family, whether you want it or not. Your control can only go so far. Good luck, old friend. You’re going to need it.

    Oh, and just to get the last little bit of nasty anger off of my chest: Fuck you, you silly cunt. You have burned me for the last time and I do wish you all the wisdom in keeping your analytical, emotionless ass off of my turf. Walk.

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