And now it’s your turn.
Though this is the one letter I’ll never send to the one person who would probably actually read it.
Here I sit again – confused.
Well, I think that’s what this is.
I don’t really know. Like I’ve said before – I practice avoidance on a daily basis. I don’t really know what most feelings are, or what it is that I’m feeling when I’m feeling them. And you know what? For a very long time it’s worked for me.
People talk to me about relationships and I spout a lot of rants, saying the same thing, over and over and over again. I’m a fan of open relationships, honestly. Cut out the bullshit, and just let people know. It’s okay to fuck someone else, I really don’t care. Come home to me. Dating someone else, and screwing someone else, two totally different things. I can respect that. A simple girl, who doesn’t care much at all about anything. Pay attention to me, but don’t cling to me. Come home to me at night. Don’t ever lie to me. Ever.
I don’t trust many people. Not with things like..me. Feelings? Fuck that. I don’t have any of those! No no. Care about someone? Fuck that. Why is it that the only thing people search for in for most of their lives..is the feeling that leaves them most vulnerable to feeling the worst? Am I the only one here who has no interest in that? The only one who is physically nauseated by feeling vulnerable? Why do people want this..what is it referred to as? Butterflies? Fuck that. Feels like barfing to me.
And then I saw you smile. I couldn’t get enough of you, up there, singing The Monkees, making me hope that the intensely feminine and hopeless romantic side in me would stop coming out. And you could tell, despite me not talking about it. Oh man could you tell. And hold back. I’ve never had an issue with someone holding back before. My flirtatious lines and carefully orchestrated body language were no match for you.
..all I can imagine is how this would have turned out if I hadn’t bought you lunch the second time we hung out. Depressing. At least on my end. Occasionally I have this inkling that you may have never noticed had I not shown an interest.
And then our first date. Because even though you didn’t kiss me, (or even try to cuddle with me as we slept in your bed that night because, even though I didn’t say it, we could both tell I didn’t want the night to end, and you didn’t feel like driving me home), even without all that touchy feely crap, it was a date, no matter how much either of us pretends it wasn’t. And it was..the best first date I’ve ever had.
And then one weekend, meeting your entire family, and playing volleyball. I felt then, and still feel like..well..that has to mean something, right? Even if we hadn’t been fooling around..that’s your family..you wouldn’t have taken me there if there was no interest.
Anyway..it’s been some time and..as comfortable as I am around you..well, fuck. Why can’t I just get the balls to tell you what’s on my mind?
You said to me once that you love how I don’t ask you what’s on your mind when we’re cuddling and you’re staring at me. And I wish I could have told you that the only thing I need from you is to ask me what’s on mine. Not that I’m angry or anything. I just can’t bring myself to say it without..following your lead.
I told you that I’m really starting to like you..a lot. And that it makes me nervous. You told me not to be, and that was enough then. You telling me not to worry was enough to make me content.
But now..while you’re looking at me, and I’m looking back, all I want is to say, “Can we do this for real now? Can we stop pretending like this is nothing? Because I don’t want to tell people you’re just my friend anymore, because you’re not just my friend.”
I’m really scared and so nervous that this is going to end up badly, because you haven’t told me anything that you’re feeling for me. And usually when I get worried that you’re becoming less interested in me you do something that makes me feel secure..but I need something.
I’m so afraid that because we don’t have some sort of ‘status’ or ‘title’ that..well..it’s still easy for you to just..forget me. To just cut the cord, as it were, like so many other people in my life seem so capable of doing, all the time. Snip snip, here I go, over. Not needed. Garbage. A bad habit.
As much as I trust that you would never hurt me like this..my insecure side needs you to sweep me off my feet, and tell me I’m the only one. Because for the first time in nearly 5 years, I’ve actually wanted this feeling. And for the first time ever I’ve been able to be a grown up about it and take it slow.
So what do I do? How do I tell you that I want to be..monogamous? What? Whoa. Me? A girlfriend? Hah. If you’d known me longer you’d understand why this is so crazy for me. The even bigger question is, how to I tell you that the reason it has taken me this long, (and longer obviously, because I won’t show this to you, nor do I know if I’ll ever get the balls to say anything), is because I’m so scared of fucking this up that I just bite my tongue. And what’s worse? Although it doesn’t result in me freaking out about it..that part of me isn’t going to change for a long while, unless you help me get there.
And lastly, and most trying..how the fuck do I tell you that I want you to help me get there?