• I never needed you anyways

    by  • July 20, 2011 • Letting Go • 0 Comments

    When i met you I had no idea what i was in for. You were just this quiet girl in middle of pack on a 20 something odd person walk to a convenience store. I said hi you said aloha and we talked for the 3 minutes up to a stop sign when i made a detour to a friends house. 4 weeks later i walk into my classroom a little and find myself searching for seat. What do you know there’s one right next to you.

    Over the course of the semester I sat next to you every class period learning a little bit about you at a time. What I began to realize was how genuine of a person you are(or at least were). Mustering all of my courage right before thanksgiving break I asked you for your number. AND YOU SAID YES! It was one of the best moments of my life. I texted you a couple times over thanksgiving break and few times afterwards. You never seemed to be receptive to my probing. SO i did what any self depreciating fat kid would do. I gave up and went home for Christmas break. One day over break i woke to up to receiving a text. It was you. You were now probing me. We talked all day for 2 weeks. When Christmas came you sent me a text that you would be too busy to text and to talk to you in a couples day after Christmas. Half way through this period you sent me a text that simply said ” hey i’m not mad at you and i do want to talk just wait” or something to that extent.

    Then you joined the soccer team. The girls soccer team. drunks, misfits and whores (that’s putting it nicely btw). Add in the fact that we were taking interterm classes we never had a chance to talk. One day scared for this relationship that started brewing i asked you why we arent talking. This was between interterm and the spring semester. You said you were sorry and arranged a time to come see me at work. When you arrived i was pleased to learn that no matter who you associated with you were always going to be the same person. So we talked. And talked. And talked. Then a few days later i had a party at my house. Past a certain level of intoxication i start to pour my heart out to who ever will listen. This was on Friday Febuary 11 2011. I woke up the next day hungover but clear minded. So i went to Vermont teddy-bear company and bought you a valentine to show my affection. On sunday we started talking and i finally mustered the courage to take ask you on a date. We got a pizza and went to park. we flirted and took a walk around the lake discussing life, cooking, Halloween costumes, and how i’ve never been to a dance in my life. When we got back to my car i drove you back to your dorm and parked out front. We said good bye and hugged. When I got back to my house you started texting me asking me about my plans for formal. I said i wasn’t going of course. Then YOU asked me to accompany you. I was in heaven. I never felt so close to a person. I accepted and went to sleep with the biggest smile on my face i’ve ever made. I woke up the next day and went to class and when I got home i waited for your text about your gift. I waited. And waited. And waited. Finally about 2 or so you sent me a text about how much you liked and why it was the best gift you’ve ever received. we talked way into the night and then wished each other a peaceful sleep. That was one of the last times we ever spoke. Over the course of the next few months you went to great lengths to avoid me, ignore and in cases pretend like you didn’t know me. I tried everything i could to gain your favor and show you that i wasn’t just pursuing flesh.

    Overtime i would gradually give up and stop pursuing. But every time i found myself turning away from you i received a message from you asking me for attention and right back to the hook i returned. This went all the way until 1 week before formal. I sent you a text just to see how you were. You responded by asking me if i still wanted to go with you. I was excited but confused. I didnt detect compassion. I detected pity. But being lonely i still said yes. You RADIATED that you didnt like that response.Im lonely but not desperate I said i didnt want to go anymore and let you off the hook. I’ve never felt so betrayed and humiliated in my life. I felt like a loser and walked around everyday beating myself up because i wasnt even good enough to take YOU to formal. Then to rub salt in a wound you walked around formal and took pictures with all of my friends. I hated you. I still dont like you for that reason. you knew what you were doing. Its evident because you sent me a message later apologizing( I realized later was complete bullshit) for everything. You ended that conversation by say “i mean really you were the one who didnt want to go anyways.”

    I didn’t type this message as a love letter to you but as a epilogue for what was the most confusing period of my life. You see with time and several friends(a lot of which were mutual) I realized that a relationship between you and me would never have worked. I was too good for you J. You’re a stuck up, immature 19 year old girl who doesn’t care about the feelings or emotions of those around you. You honestly believed that by ignoring and avoiding me you were “putting me down” as humanely as possible. It took me a long time to long time to get here but i finally realized that I’m a wonderful person who brings joy to those around him. people get excited when they find I’m coming to a party. My two roommates(which for the record make you look like a hulk Hogan look a like) are incredibly comfortable in my presence. I’m a good person with a big heart and so much love to give I just wish you would have realized it.

    Oh well. Have a nice life and remember that if you ever need someone to talk to I will be there. Only from here on out I’m just a guy who wants to help you through your problems. NOT a sad puppy waiting for you to come home.

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