• I can finally see the truth

    by  • July 20, 2011 • Acceptance • 0 Comments

    Dear Dad.

    This is my last insurance payment to you; I am finding a new policy for myself because the thought of having any further contact with you literally makes me sick. I’m glad I finally know the truth, everything your wife screamed at us only tells me everything you have ever told her. Good to know your true feelings. Like how the divorce is our fault. Fuck you. And how I don’t care about you. Fuck you. This “foul mouthed bitch” is done with you and your control freak wife who apparently has “been looking for a reason to throw my ass in jail.” What I did to her up until Saturday, I have no idea, but I’m sure you do, after the twisted versions of the truth you tell her. And about me not caring about you, I don’t care about you so much that I wished you a happy father’s day, bought you a gift, and went out to lunch with you. I don’t care about you so much that I tried to reconnect with you this year. I still want you to know what Bob said. I asked him, about my part in things, and I assure you, I am 100% honest with him about my feelings and my actions. He told me that it is not my fault, the things that happened between us. He described it like this: If you had a puppy, and you abused that puppy, and the puppy wouldn’t let you pet it anymore, and you looked at the puppy and wondered why it wouldn’t come to you. My actions were a reaction to yours. I know you’re going to think this is bullshit and that’s fine. I want you to know also that he told me that thanks to you I am conditioned to feel guilty about everything that happens to me, to look at it like “what did I do wrong?” even when I didn’t do anything. Because there is always backlash with you. Every time I tell you how I feel or am vulnerable with you, it always comes back and bites me in the ass. Always. Like when I called you upset and I TOLD you that I WAS NOT DOING IT TO MAKE YOU FEEL BAD, and you TOLD ME that not everyone is like you and that you were sorry and I was beautiful. Did you know that those two things were the only things I have EVER wanted you to say to me? To tell me that I’m beautiful and special, and that you were sorry. Was that all a lie? Because the way you acted when you called me, only showed me that you didn’t mean any of it. You just stood there, and let your wife verbally abuse your children. And I know that I said some things that were pretty nasty, but I’m not sorry, the same way she isn’t either. But you can’t honestly tell me that you didn’t know she was egging me and Molly on, trying to make us hit her so she could call the cops on us. That is so messed up, we are your CHILDREN for Christ sake. You sat there and said nothing while Debbie told Patrick that when you beat the shit out of him that it was called corporal punishment and he probably deserved it. Let me ask you something, does that mean when her husband kicked her around she deserved that? Because that’s corporal punishment, and apparently in your guys world that makes physical abuse ok. You did nothing when she called him an asshole; you did nothing when she tried to instigate your own son into hitting her. It’s good to finally see where we stand with you. You keep saying we are holding you hostage to your mistakes, why? Because we aren’t going to look at you and tell you “OH! It’s ok, no big deal!” when you decide to finally give us an explanation. Let me be clearer. It’s not ok, it’s never going to be ok, but we’ve moved on, and the only person who is holding you hostage to your mistakes is you, and those are demons that you’ll have to face some day. I also want you to know that I think you’ve finally woken up and realized what an awful father and person you really are, and you hate yourself for it. Good. I hope you hate yourself forever. You and your pathetic wife disgust me. I want you to know that I have had four amazing men in my life that have replaced you wholly and no matter what I do, or how much the cracks in my soul show, they never turn their backs on me. Patrick is more of a man now than you can ever hope to be, and he is only 16. He is going to grow up and be an amazing dad, he is going to be everything you aren’t. Patrick comforts me and listens when I want to talk about things that are bothering me. He thinks I’m a little weird, but he has never told me that I’m broken, or that I “need to be fixed” and when I tell him things are bothering me he always reassures me that everything will be ok. Look at how he defended me to you. He would never let anything bad happen to me. I wish I could say the same about you. Terry was more of dad to me when he was around then you have ever been in the past 20 years. Grandpa Rezabeck loved me so much, he was always curious about my life, teaching me things he knew, listening to me, and he never put me down. Joey has been there for me when no one else has been. He’s waded through all of your bullshit with me and has picked up from my rock bottom points. He cares about me, and when I tell him things he never throws them back in my face, he never uses them as leverage, and no matter how hard I try, he never lets me push him away. They all see qualities in me that I can’t see because you have killed my ability to see anything good about me. I hate myself. Did you know that? I do. I might be strong and know who I am, but I hate me. You did that to me. And I think deep down you hate me too. Because your drinking never got bad until I was born, and I took up all of moms attention from you. I just want you to know that the feeling has NEVER been mutual up until this point. You have ruined my life, and I am taking the power back from you, I am taking my life back. I am 20 years old and I refuse to let my father make me feel the way that you do or have the ability to call me up and get me so worked up that I can’t even look at myself in the mirror. I hope you feel like shit. I hope you realize what a huge mistake you have made, even though it’s too late to change it. I want you to live with this regret for the rest of your life. You are going to die miserable, old, and alone. I am washing my hands of you for good. Because I can’t do this anymore. It’s you or me, and for one of the few times in my life I am not sacrificing my happiness for you and this dead relationship we pretend to have. I am grateful for the help you have given me this year and I know I have expressed that to you, but obviously that doesn’t matter to you or to Debbie, she made that very clear. I hope you have a horrible, pathetic, rest of your life, and I hope you look at yourself every day in the mirror with utter disgust. Unlike Molly, I am not blocking either of you from my phone, I want the satisfaction of seeing your name pop up in texts or hear your ringtone, which is the Friday the 13th theme, go off and just watch it. Because I know you well enough to know that you are going to try and sweep this all under the rug. The only thing leaving is me. I am going get better; be a better person, and I am going to move on and not let you hold me hostage to your selfishness, immaturity, and cowardice. One day I am going to be somebody, I’m going to do great things, and I will never think about you ever again.

    Sorry I’m not sorry.

    P.s Hey Debs, since I know you read everything we send our father, I just want you to know that all I thought about Sunday was how great it would have been to knock your boney ass on the cement, and then it made me even happier to know that I didn’t and that you still have all this anger towards me because you didn’t get what you want out of your confrontation. I’m sorry to hear that you are so hell bent on sabotaging me and my dad’s relationship by instigating confrontations and making sure conversations are “heated.” Things were fine up until a few weeks ago and got even worse when I said I wanted to go to therapy. I bet you had something to say about that. Actually I would put money on that. Let me just get a few things straight. You don’t know me, my siblings, or my mother and you wanting to get to know me is a bunch of bullshit because if that were the case you wouldn’t have been “looking for a reason to throw my ass in jail for awhile” so you can shove that up your ass. I also want you to know I see the looks on your face when me and my dad are getting along, I’m sorry it makes you so unhappy, you must be a very miserable person yourself. Let me make something else clear, you are lucky that I didn’t come back when I found out all the things that you said to my brother. You are a worthless bitch and if my mother’s name every drips from your lips around me again, believe this there’s a really good chance you’ll get exactly what you want, which is exactly what you have coming to you.

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