• Secret Love

    by  • July 19, 2011 • * Safe for Work *, Yearning • 0 Comments

    You remember when I sent you that voice memo almost 2 months ago, there were two really important things I said that I wanted to change; 1) that you can’t even ask me to be your girlfriend and 2) that our parents don’t even know. On Sunday I became painfully aware that neither of these things have changed. We’ve been going at this for almost 4 months this time and you keep telling me that we’re in this together and I’m the most important thing to you, but I don’t feel like I’m the most important thing to you- instead I feel like I’m some buried treasure you keep hidden in a box under your bed shoved in the back corner, I’m your secret. The first time we were together we dated for 6 months before you asked me to be your girlfriend, I was hoping things would change this time- but what really caught me off guard was when you referred to me as your girlfriend, oh, but only to your roommate who already knows. Are formalities overrated these days? Do I not get the romantic gesture of you asking? I haven’t called you my boyfriend this time around, but I sure would like to feel that joy a girl gets when she can use that word. It means something. And when do your parents get to know we’re dating again? I get it, when we broke up it was awful, spiraling towards hell suicide watch awful. Do you think you’re going to lose some pride or dignity or something because you’ve reneged your decision to break up with me? It’s been a year and a half; I think our parents have gotten over it. I just want to know when I’m going to stop being “Josh” with your dad, when I give you an idea or do something with you & you tell your dad that it was “Josh.” But what really stood out was when you thought I was napping & I heard you talking about the Blink 182 concert, the one you weren’t going to tell me about or invite me to. Lucky for me, Jarrod slipped up & asked you about it in front of me. I know why you weren’t going to tell me, because if you did you’d have to invite me to stay the weekend with ya’ll at your mom’s house, which means you’d have to tell her about us, and in turn tell your dad about us. Really wanna know why I was upset when you went scuba diving for Independence Day, not because you were leaving me alone, but because I knew I wouldn’t get an invite to this family holiday vacation, or the next one or the one after that because I’m still a secret… and it hurts.

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