• One Year Later

    by  • July 19, 2011 • * Safe for Work *, Letting Go • 0 Comments

    Hi,

    I’m sure you’ve noticed I really haven’t been myself lately, and for that I apologize. Guess I’ve just had a lot on my mind recently, trying to figure my life out and figure out what I’m doing with it. Still haven’t a clue.

    You know, a lot of what I’m going to say may not make a whole lot of sense right now, but I promise it’s all from my heart and an honest place.

    I guess what I want to say is right now, whatever it is we’re doing, or not doing, whatever we are or aren’t, isn’t exactly the healthiest thing for me. Over the last year and some odd months I’ve just fallen more in love with you and have been silently waiting to see if anything would change. I can see now that things really aren’t going to change, and I need to get used to that and just understand that this is all we’re ever going to be. Friends with benefits. Though that really does have to change. The more I hang onto that hope the more I ignore the possibility for anything more outside of what we’re doing.

    What i’m trying to say is i can’t go on like this. I know you said, you wouldn’t make me wait any longer than was needed, but I can’t wait any longer than I already have. I thought I was stronger than this, I thought I could handle this, but sadly I can’t, I don’t have it in me and i don’t think its healthy for me to keep putting myself through this. You are very special and important to me, but there is only so much I can go through and only so much i can take, only so long i can wait.

    I have to move on and live my life, and I have to do it in a healthy way and in a healthy relationship, I can’t allow myself to hurt the way I have been. I’m not saying this has been easy for you, I know it hasn’t. I think its just comes to the point where I have to make the choice for you, for me. And sadly the only option i have is to let you go, at least for now. I guess that means I wont be able to see you for a little while. It’s going to take sometime to heal, to learn to see you as just a friend and detach myself from the emotions that have grown so strongly over the last year.

    Please don’t think of me as giving up on you, that’s not the case, i just don’t have the strength to go on like this. Seeing you leave every morning you stay over and every night we hang out kills me. it makes me think of all the things that I don’t have with you, that I wish I did have. Reminds me of the time you told me that if maybe I’d come out six months earlier things could be different, reminds me of the fact that I could have been here 6 months earlier, but I showed up too late and here I am, broken hearted and wishing things were different.

    My heart has seen something so incredibly special in you that it aches to write this letter. I’ve never felt this way for anyone in my life, and never this quickly have i been ready to say love. I’ve shared so much of myself and who I am with you, you’ve earned my trust in such a short period of time. not that that is a bad thing. it just goes to show you how special you really are to me. I’ve shared things that I’ve never shared with boyfriends or even people I’ve known for years. I thank you so much for making me feel as special as you do, for making me feel at home and teaching me to see myself in a way i never thought possible. you’ve brought something out in me that i never knew was there. you made me see myself as a better person. i can’t begin to explain how much that truly means to me. all i can say is thank you, and that’s just one of the many reasons i fell for you.

    i hope this all makes sense, if you have any questions or have anything to say, please do.
    xoxo 43
    ~Me

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