Yesterday I was working, and our old boss strolled into my store. She proceeded to tell me about how happy you are, and how she’s never seen you so affectionate in her life. She said you really have grown up in your new one month long relationship. For all of this, I want you to know, although you’ll never read this, I am extremely happy for you. Live your life as if I don’t exist. Our old boss’ visit was the final section to my moving on process, I am now free of you. I hope to never see you, but if I happen to, I’ll stay cordial. You were a big learning process and an even bigger lesson, and I couldn’t be more happy for that. The outcome was terrible, but because of our breakup, I wouldn’t be living the wonderful life I live now, so I thank you for taking the time to see what was best for the both of us, and being ready to willingly live with my hatred and angst towards you. If you hadn’t, I’d still be trapped in the depths of us, and missing out on so much life. You were such a blessing to get to know, and it is such a blessing to be without you now, as I am sure you feel the same. I hope you spread your wings and fly, because as much as you didn’t believe it, you are worth something, and you can go very far in this life.
Now, on to LC,
We’ve been talking for months now, and I seriously don’t know why you are so perfect for me. Maybe it’s the way that you explain how you are going to treat the “right girl for you”, and it’s everything I’ve ever wanted. Possibly how you make sushi, and it happens to be my favorite. Could it be that I want to pick your brain about every single thing, and I am interested in every word that you speak? It could even be the way you talk Army lingo to me, and don’t get frustrated when I ask what it means and then don’t really know what to say back. There are so many reasons as to why this small school girl crush is developing every day. When we are together, I can’t help but laugh and smile as cheesy as that sounds. You… you remember the little things, like my top 5 movies. Your eyes are so incredibly captivating, it’s getting really hard to look at them without you catching me now. We make plans for small fun adventures, and I hope to God you follow these plans, because I can’t wait. The first time around, we talked non stop from February to the end of April, until you got home from training. When you arrived home, we didn’t talk for weeks. It broke my heart, cause I never wanted to lose a friend. I’d see you at our mutual friends’ house and we’d catch up – but the first time that had happened, you wouldn’t look me in the eye. It scared me, because well, I couldn’t stop staring at you. Then, one night, you came out with it. That you, LC, wanted to cuddle with me. Oh my heart was overjoyed. To share your warmth, with your arms wrapped around me, I couldn’t have imagined something better. Then, it happened. I don’t know if you felt what I felt, but I felt sparks. I felt safe, with those arms wrapped around me, and that is always what I’ve searched for.
After this, we stopped talking for a week or two..
I couldn’t handle it, but I figured if you wanted to talk to me, you’d come to me. I was wrong, you didn’t. It hurt that you couldn’t just make two seconds out of your busy life to say hello. LC, I don’t really think you realize, but we’ve talked so much, and as much as I don’t know about you, I have learned quite a number of things. Sure, not all of them stick to my knowledge bank, and I have the smallest inclination that I have too much more to learn, but I am willing.
What I did learn though? Was that you are selfish. You think too much of yourself, and that’s why you’re not ready. I am praying to God that, not only for myself, but all the women who would love to be your other half, you grow out of that sometime soon – which, I have faith that you will.
So, I called you out on being a douche bag. You threw a pity party for yourself, giving me excuse left and right, but I realize that’s only because you are probably afraid of yourself. I know you are having the time of your life right now, and so am I. I don’t think I’d want to change things, I’d like to keep them the way that they are. They’re headed in the right direction, and whatever the destination may be, the journey is a great one with you.
After this, we started talking, a ton, like normal.
But – this time, I am guarding my heart from you. That’s why I type this anonymous letter, on this website where it’ll never be sent, and I am sure you’ll never stumble upon. Maybe I should put your name in the title and tell you to google yourself, see if it comes up. I am pretty positive, LC, that you will never really know how I feel.
With that said, I honestly, wish I knew how you felt. You are probably one of the most confusing things I’ve ever endured, and I took French for three years. You flirt and you flirt, but I can’t quite decide if that is your personality or if I get special attention. I want to know, LC. But hey, we all know I am too afraid to just ask. I don’t want to ruin a friendship. But since I am too afraid to ask in person, I’ll ask on here, this website, that you’ll never see.
Could I be the girl of your dreams, LC? Do I really make you smile and laugh as often as you make me? Do you ever think of what could be? Do you ever think WE will be?
I always have the doubt in my mind that I’m just not right for you, but if this was such a true thing, why would I be wasting my time developing these feelings? God knows I’ve been bruised and beaten, would he really put me through this again? Who knows, maybe you are just another giant lesson in my life, LC.
But, if you are ever curious, I would love to be the one you call when something is wrong. The one by your side on a random adventure. The one who if you deploy, you write letters to each day. The girl on your mind when you’re smiling. The one who teaches you lessons about yourself while you’re teaching her lessons about herself. The sushi and movie date. The source of your laughter and the one that those gorgeous eyes are staring back at. I want to be the jealousy of all of our friends. I want to be the one that settles you down. The girl that if need be, you just stop to see because it’d make your whole day better. I don’t want to be your everything, I want to be your heart and soul. The one you’re willing to go the distance for. The girl you randomly send flowers to because they’re beautiful enough to remind you of her.
I want to be that girl, LC.