For the first time…
I’ve met someone who has taught me about myself. You see, I’ve somehow always taken on the role as a sort of teacher for people I know – even you. But you’re different than anyone I’ve ever met.
I spend so much time in my own head thinking about myself, life, and the people around me, it’s as if I’ve read and written the manual on life. Life becomes like a game. I play as if I know how things are supposed to work. I make game plans, set rules, study how others play, and break apart every aspect into the smallest most incomplete components for the deepest analysis. When people come to talk to me about themselves and life, I draw from my database of statistics and analysis to provide some sort of answer. I’m not so good at playing the game, in all honesty, I’m scared, but I can coach pretty well, with confabulation, and pretend I know what’s going on. I can quote and read all there is on how to live life but when it comes down to it, I’m more lost and scared than anyone I know.
But then there’s you. I’ve never met someone who understood life better than me. That’s because you realize that life can never really be understood, only lived. And while I may have said that – I’m sure I did, drawing from my internal database of thoughts on life, I never did it. Your love, compassion, and pure enjoyment of everyone and everything is something the rest of the world could stand to learn a bit more about. You constantly walk through barriers in life of all kinds as if they don’t exist and I’m left wondering what the heck just happened. I’m talking about how instead of seeing that creepy guy on the train, you see a humble human being who would enjoy some compassion and someone to talk to – how the world is not in a museum, behind a thick piece of glass, but right in front of you, with nothing stopping you.
You scare the crap out of me. I constantly feel like that scene at the beginning of Up where Ellie show up to play with Carl and the entire time he just has this sort of “whoa, you can do that” face, as if he had legs but never thought to get up and actually use them.
And when your world comes crashing down on you, as it does for everyone at times, I’ve never felt so helpless in my life. Whenever I say the right thing, I’m just as surprised, if not more so, than you are. I try to help but you don’t want my help, you don’t need my help – you really don’t. There are so many times I should have just shut up, just listened, and held you and told you everything is going to be ok.
There are so, so, so many more times I should have just set down my bat, threw away my manual and burned it, and just let you take my hand – love you for you and let you teach me and show me how to live life. But you held my hand anyways sometimes, losing a part of yourself, just to be with me. And that sucks, for you.
I’m sorry it took me until now to see all this. I wish it had been someone else.
You can tear me down and show me the worst parts of myself that I have never seen and help me learn about myself and grow to be a better person. You’re the kind of person I should be with.
I don’t want to lose you. But more so, I don’t want you to lose you. I’d rather sit in that museum behind my thick piece of glass looking out onto the world, seeing you happy, then let you lose yourself sitting next to me. But I will always leave my hand there and if you ever want to take it again, I’ll be the one to move.
For the first time, I genuinely want someone else to be happy more than I want to be happy. And for anytime I may have ever said that or felt that before, this is different. You’ve touched my soul, you’ve changed me. I’m a better person for having known you. For the first time in my life, I can say all that and truly mean it, with every inch of me.
Every time I see you or think about you, my body will still respond, my heart will still race and pound out of my chest. I want to be with you, but I don’t want to hold you back anymore. And if being with you means holding you back, I can’t let you do that.
I have no idea what a soulmate really is or if they even exist, but if I were ever asked who mine is, you’d be my answer. You’re a flower, you’re a butterfly, you’re the sun, you’re all that is good, all that is beautiful, and all that is real in this world.
I love you more than I ever, even in my wildest dreams, knew was possible to love someone. You are my best friend.
Thank you. I wish I had more than just thank you to say for all that you’ve done for me and given me but I’m sorry, all I have is this letter that ends in thank you.