This is my final goodbye to you. I can’t get you out of my head, and I need to move on. It makes me sick how every little thing can make me think of you. I can’t listen to Opeth. I can’t listen to Jimi Hendrix. I can’t even fucking smoke without thinking about how you gave me my first hit. And how everything went wrong from there.
Sometimes I wonder if it was the worst thing to happen to me to meet you. Or was it the best thing…was this supposed to make me stronger? I’ve been searching for answers I’ll never find. I haven’t felt a real connection with anyone…probably because I’m still stuck on the memory of you. I’m sick of finding comfort in the arms of a random hook up.
I think about the way you looked at me, the way you held me, the way you devoted yourself to me. I never realized it, but I do now. Then I begin to think about the anger, the screaming matches, the crying. Most of all the heartbreak. And I know that it was always meant to be this way, and it can’t ever work. That fact makes me sad.
I also know none of this means absolutely anything to you. I’ve been kicked to the curb, every memory we’ve ever shared forgotten. Every photo erased. Every promise broken. You told me yourself I was dead to you.
So here I am, left to pick up the pieces of what little heart I have left. I’d like to go numb, but every time I think I forget about it, a little booze can quickly help me remember I am alone.
I know you’ll probably never see this. But I need to do this for me. Please know I never hated you, no matter how many times I yelled it at you. It was the only way I knew how to react to the one person I cared about most in the world crushing me into nothing.
In the end, I guess all I can do is thank you. Thank you so much for taking me in and giving me a home. And I thank your family also. I’ve never had much of a family, and you guys made me see what that really was. Thank you for helping me through my battles….in the beginning that is. Towards the end, I don’t think you cared much. But mostly…….thank you for loving me. I never knew I could be so close to someone, or feel so much passion. You were my absolute best friend…and that is the one thing I miss most.
We have taken different paths, but always know you were my first true love. Although I know eventually I will love again, I will always have a place for you in my heart. I wish you the best of luck in everything you do, and I hope you are happy. I hope one day you will mature enough to have a conversation with me. I hope your mother is happy, she deserves it more than anyone I know. I love all of you guys…and I’m sure I always will. Thank you for helping me become the person I am today.
As I finish this letter, I shed the last pathetic tears I will ever let fall from my eyes over this subject. Although you have forgotten me, I won’t be doing that anytime soon, and I know you know I’m sincere, and I also know you don’t care.
So this is the end. This is where you become a mere memory, a treasured moment in time that slipped away. This is where I finally set myself free. Maybe one day we’ll be friends again. Goodbye goob.
I’ll miss you and your antics.