To the man who has my heart:
Back at the ER again. Sitting here incredibly stressed & worried, & the only thing I can think of other than what’s going on is how much I wish you were here with me. When I knew I had to come back all I could think was how much I wish I could just call you & ask you to come with me. All of this has really taken a toll on me. I hope you know how much it has taken out of me to do this with you. To fall in love with you, & constantly think about a man who I can’t have whenever I want. I’m not saying this to make you feel guilty, I just hope you realize how much I really do love you. You really are my world even though sometimes I like to pretend that you’re not. When I think about how weak I feel and like I’ve taken all I can take, I just think about having a wonderful, happy life with you.
Babe, I have had a lifetime’s worth of stress already at the age of 22, but the most amazing thing about you is I feel you would do anything in your power to make sure I never have to feel stressed again. For once in my life, I feel like someone actually legitimately loves & cares for me because of who I am, & all of the traits I’ve always thought I should be loved for.
My grandparents loved me for all of the same reasons you do; for all of the reasons that people have ignored for 10 years. It’s kind of scary. They were the only people who made me feel I was worth anything, & now having gone 10 years without it, I feel like I have to get used to it all over again every time you say you love me.
My grandma in particular made me the woman I am today. She taught me to care more about other people than I care about myself. She taught me how to feel like everything will be okay & to keep my head up. My grandpa showed me how a father loves a daughter & how a man is supposed to treat a woman.
Still a tiny bit of me is afraid that you don’t mean what you say, or things won’t work out how we want them to. I just have to say that you better not do me wrong, or my grandpa could possibly haunt your dreams. No kidding. He loved me that much.
Just, please baby, don’t make me regret this. I’ve been through too much already. I just want to finally be able to feel safe & secure & know that you’ll always be around to protect me & you’ll always have my best interest at heart. That’s what I’ve wanted more than anything, to feel safe, & I think having your loving arms around me would finally make me feel that way.
We really are an odd couple, you know. The good girl & the bad boy. I just hope when everything is said & done, you’ll be my good boy so I can have you with me forever & ever.
Darling, just never forget what I’ve done for you, because I promise I will never forget what you have done for me.
I love you.
(& honestly, I just scared myself saying forever, because without a doubt, I actually feel like I really mean it.)