From the moment we met, your eyes were the only thing I saw that night. I couldn’t stop thinking about you. Every time we passed by, just your presence made me dizzy. I knew you had a girlfriend so I tried to be respectful. Then she cheated on you so the rules changed. I was there for you. I pulled you through. The beauty about college, especially ours, is that you do life with these people. It’s not just a seven hour relationship and then you go home and forget about them until you see them the next day in algebra. Living on campus made it easy for us to spend time together. Every moment I spent with you, the more I knew about you, the more perfect you became. You were everything I had been looking for in a man. However, the closer that we got, i knew was hurting my chances of things ever moving past friendship. We quickly became inseparable. We did everything together. At least once a week I had to answer the question “Are you guys dating?” with “No, we are just best friends.” There were a few girls that floated in and out of your life during the first semester. I did what any best friend would do and tried to help you with them, and all the while falling deeper.
Then we left for Christmas break and that’s when things lost control. The day we went back to campus, the one place I felt safe with you, you told me you had something to tell me. I let my imagination get away from me for a second but I eventually made my way back to reality. When I saw you, my heart jumped for joy. We hugged like old friends, sat down on our swing, and you began your story. Never in a million years would I have guessed what that story entailed, although i should have seen it coming when you said you were going to talk to her. You proceeded to launch into an explanation of what only happens in those romantic comedies I made you watch with me so many times. Through your whole screenplay I knew where it was leading, but when you finished and said the words “and so now we are officially back together,” it hit me like a ton of bricks. You looked at me for a reaction and the only thing I could think was “I can’t even breathe and you want my opinion?!” We had had many conversations about her and I knew she was your first and only love so at that moment I knew all hope was lost. But in true best friend fashion, I told you I was happy for you and her. Most of our other friends knew how bad she had hurt you the first time so you were very worried about how to tell them. You asked me if I would be there for you when you did and I agreed. Every single time I heard your story, I felt like I died a little inside. But of course it never showed. I loved you too much at this point to risk losing you by loving you. We continued to grow even closer over the next few months. You became my rock and I became yours. I met this one you called “your angel”. We pretend to be friends for you. She has never said it but she tries to keep me close because she knows she could never ask you to desert me. I pretend to like her because I know you would choose her over me in a hot second. It was about this time that you began considering transferring schools. You decided on the University that your girlfriend went to. You tried to tell me that it was because they had a better major and I let myself be convinced. I even defended you when people started talking. But if you think for a second that all of us don’t see right through that excuse, you are dumber and crazier than I ever knew.
It got to where I spent half the night with you waiting for you to get off the phone with her. We continued to become even closer, to the point where just our friendship made me feel like “the other woman”. I can’t imagine what people thought about me, knowing you had a girl somewhere else. To you, everything was innocent, people just didn’t understand our relationship. But truthfully, you didn’t understand our relationship. To you we were just best friends but that was my fault because I never let you know anything else was at play. You had become my every breath.
As the end of the semester approached, my anxiety hit a high that I had never experienced. I had never been so afraid of losing someone. Up until the moment your dad arrived to help you move, I was able to stay in a state of denial where you weren’t leaving me to ultimately be with her. When you got the message that he was 5 mins away, I couldn’t take it, my heart was being ripped out of my chest and I couldn’t do anything to stop it. We were with a bunch of friends so I excused myself to the bathroom. In there I prayed a thousand different prayers and none of them made any sense. When I regained my composure, I walked back outside. You met me halfway, slipped your arms around my waist and I wrapped mine around your neck. We hugged for a second, you told me you loved me and would be in contact, i returned the sentiment and we let go. You told me if you had time you would come see me again before you and your dad left. So I waited, and I waited, and I waited. Up until this point that day, I had yet to cry. I had the shakes, I had a headache, I couldn’t breathe, but I had not shed a single tear. I stoically made my way back to my room and only when I reached my pillow did I let every fear, pain, and heartbreak take hold. I lost it. I’m not sure I have ever cried that hard in my life. I felt as if a large piece of me drove off in your dad’s minivan with you.
She won. She now has you there all the time. She left me with nothing. But as broken as I am, my only worry is that she will hurt you again. This time I won’t be there to pick up the pieces of your broken heart and put them back together for her. I don’t trust her one bit. I know you love her, I know that are as deep for her as I am for you. I know that we will always be friends, maybe even best friends, but things will never be the same. Not when she is in your life and every love song reminds me of you.
I know that I will never get the courage to say this out loud but I LOVE YOU, MORE THAN YOU WILL EVER KNOW AND DEEPER THAN ANY BOUNDS OF FRIENDSHIP.
forever and always,