• Love/Hate

    by  • July 18, 2011 • * Safe for Work *, Heartbreak • 0 Comments

    Things were never supposed to happen like this. I was never supposed to fall in love with you. I was never supposed to get this attached. I was never supposed to cry this much over you. I was never supposed to care this much. You were never supposed to be this important..

    Over a year of being in love with you. Over a year of being on and off. Over a year of the best times and the worst times. Over a year of you being the best thing that ever came into my life and over a year of pure happiness.

    When we first started dating things were perfect. You treated me so amazing and you said things that no one else ever had said to me. When you would kiss me it was like I was literally falling in love with you again. Being in your arms and knowing I was the only girl you cared about made me feel so incredible. Talking on the phone for hours about nothing and laughing about everything and fighting about who loved each other more.. those are the moments I loved.

    You made me promises and I made you promises. Maybe that was a mistake on both of our parts. You promised not to smoke or drink or do anymore drugs and I promised you not to cut myself.

    I guess I shouldn’t have been surprised when my friends were all telling me how you were off partying and smoking every weekend. I overreacted and ended things. I never broke promise to you. No matter how many times I was upset and just wanted to fall back into old habits, I never did. I trusted you to keep a promise, and you didnt. Thats what hurts the most.

    On my birthday you finally told me you were done with me after keeping me waiting for months. 2 days later you had sex with my friend. I don’t know if upsetting me and making me cry makes you happy or if you get off on that but honestly I hate you for doing this to me. You turned me into someone I NEVER wanted to become. I’m afraid to care about someone. I’m afraid to love someone again. hearing the word “love” makes me think of being hurt. You should never feel physically sick when you hear that word, and yet I do. Because of you.

    I found someone new. He treats me great. He makes me happy. He makes me laugh and smile and for once, I don’t think about you. Then you have to change it all. One text from you and I’m hooked again and I can forget all about this other guy. At my friends party we talk and suddenly its like everything is perfect again. Looking into your eyes and hugging you makes everything better again. Saying I am over you is obviously such a lie.

    Now being friends with you is the hardest thing. We have never been just friends. You are my first love. I will never let go of the feelings i have for you. No matter how horribly you may treat me, no matter how much I may cry over you and no matter how much I may be hurting inside, I’m still in love with you and I would take you back in a hearbeat.

    Never forget that you are the one person that can do a billion things wrong and you will still be the most amazing person ever. You will never make me hate you. I love you more than you will ever understand, and I hope one day things will eventually workout again. I can live without you but I would rather not lose the best thing in my life, again.

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