I know I need to get this out. I just don’t know how. I’m not sure if I have the ability to successfully choose the words that will produce in you the same feeling I’ve been harboring inside myself for the better part of 16 years. I promise you I haven’t always been this way. It’s as I wrote before, “moments of sweet release, but always relapse, for my thoughts are a drug. Addicting in their entirety.” Here, in my secret of a diary, I can tell you the real story of the girl behind the lovely smile and twinkling eyes staring back at you. She’s desperate. I’m desperate. I need to know its not all my fault. Always calling me selfish, so selfish, so lazy…
Daddy, am I really that way? Sometimes, you see, I just can’t find the motivation to get out of bed and live another day. Liar, liar, you say.. Yes, I know I stretched the truth years before, but I was only little, just learning the importance of honesty. I know I slip up sometimes, but it’s so much easier. Take the punishment and move on, because I know you won’t believe that the cat was the one who moved your comb, you see because cats love to play with little objects around the house. Was it really such a big deal anyways? Why do you have to make me cry?
Mommy, I know you your day was rough. You work, and come home and the dishes were still in the sink. But won’t you just listen to me? I’m trying to make you understand how I’ve been feeling these past couple of months, you see, I’ve been so angry towards everyone, and so very very sad. No? Okay, just keep going on about how you have every right to come home upset, over, and over again, repeat that line. Who are you trying to convince? Me? Or yourself?
As if I don’t have the right to be upset, too. But of course I don’t, who am I kidding? I’m the child. No matter, I’ll always be incorrect. You come first, regardless of the emotions doing their best to spill over my eyelids, no, they don’t matter. They aren’t to be shown to others, only lovely smiles and twinkling eyes will grace the sights of others. Any thing else would be improper. Weird. Ridiculed. Be real, but never let us feel too much. Lose ourselves in the form of warm liquid running down our throats. Sweet smoke the soundtracks of our lives. All to achieve what you want for us. Perfection. All for you.
We do this for you.