• I Know the Reasons for Why Not

    by  • July 18, 2011 • * Safe for Work *, Yearning for You • 1 Comment

    Though we’ve grown so close since we’ve met and even more since that time, last year, when I confessed so badly and you gently replied, “I like you too… as a friend” to me.

    I wonder where I stand in your life and if we’ll ever be more.

    Before I met you,I had never invested so much of myself in any sort of relationship. I can definitely say that, because of you, I opened up to other people. I’m really glad to have met you. Once I was meek, quiet, and just getting by in life. Now I have some confidence, true friends, and a dream that includes you being there with me.

    All the mixed signals you’re giving me is a little bit confusing. Sometimes I think you like me a lot too. Other times, no, just as friends.Your best friend told me that you’re not ready but that I should wait. And when I asked if I had a chance with you, another mutual friend explained to me why you don’t want to get into relationships. I already knew all of what he told me. I think I might even know more than he did. You and me, we have an unspoken understanding. What do I think you’re hesitating for? Let me list some of the reasons:

    1. You don’t want to care so much about other people besides your established family and yourself. It’s bothersome. There’s drama. Sometimes you hate the whole world. That’s why you try to act the same way and be just friendly with all of the other girls. It’s hard to care so much for other people.

    2. Commitment is a scary thing. And we’ve only just graduated from high school now. Why get tied down now and here? What if we’re not meant to last? You just want to enjoy what’s left of your childhood and not be tied down because there’s still a lot of the world (and other girls) that you haven’t seen yet?

    3. You were hurt by a close girl friend before. You two liked each other – but at different times. She got fed up with waiting for you, thinking you were leading her on, and she just shut you out of her life. I think, deep down, you still aren’t over her. And, deep down, I think she’s still waiting for you in a way.

    4. It’s absolutely terrifying to open yourself up to another person and let them get to know your strengths AND weaknesses. It’s absolutely terrifying having another person open up to you and you learning everything about them. Misunderstandings happens so easily. What if one of us makes a fatal mistake while we learn?

    5. You think that you’re the worst person for me to love.

    6. Besides, even if you got into a relationship, where would it go? Your family, especially your mother, probably won’t like me. I can’t even cook! What can we do right now at our age? We’re not independent yet. We have no sense of what the real world’s like. What will happen in the future? We’ll definitely change once we get into college.

    7. You’re afraid of losing good friends and WE are good friends. Why ruin what we have?

    You’ve warned me many, many times to never fall for you. I’m sorry. I couldn’t help it – I did in the end. And now, I can’t stop loving you. I can’t even list the reasons for WHY I’m in love for you. There’s so many. Or there’s no reason at all.

    Sometimes, I wished that I wasn’t so considerate of your feelings so that I could be selfish and tell you “I love you” and ask “Do you think we should take a chance and be together anyway?”
    But I can’t tell you that in person because I can understand all the reasons why not.
    I don’t want to lose you.

    No matter how much you try to make me doubt you to protect me, I don’t think I can leave you. If I leave you, you’ll be hurt and even more lonely than you were and it would hurt me too. You’ve become such a big part of my life already.

    It might be a bit pathetic, but I’m going to wait for you. This “crush” of mine on you has lasted for a few years when the most my past crushes lasted was for a few months.
    I know it’s worth waiting for you.
    I really do want for you to be happy. Even if it might mean you’ll have to be with another person, I’ll wait until you’ve found your “person just for me” so that when I let go, I can do it knowing that you’re happy.

    Though I want to be happy too, deep down.

    One Response to I Know the Reasons for Why Not

    1. TheXDivineXChild
      July 18, 2011 at 9:00 pm

      yeah…yeah… this is exactly my situation. You make sense to me. and if anyone else comments on this and tells you to let go… dont. i know where you stand because im standing there too.

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