This letter is to everyone who reads it and relates to it but most importantly to someone who I know will never read it. I fell in love with a boy 5 years ago. I was stupid, so stupid to let him go. He was my first LOVE, but not my last.
In breaking up with him I dated someone else. He broke my body and spirit the same way I had already had my heart broken. I thought this was real love, love where I was never good enough–where I would make mistakes and pay for them. I have four scars on my hands, each from a separate time I deserved something to punish me. Once I almost had my middle finger cut off for flipping him off. I thought the repercussion was ok, I had wronged…but this isn’t the time of the Hammurabi Code, there is no eye for an eye–only a heart for a heart in today’s world. He took me to so many new worlds though, we weren’t locked into todays. He showed me evil and that I was capable of it. He beat me, the man I loved, was engaged to. I forgot to mention that, huh? I was engaged to the second love of my life. It ended after he hit me and beat me and managed to break two of my ribs.
So…another two years later I find the first guy again. On facebook, of all the places…we talk and hit if off and realize how much we missed one another. After hanging out for a few weeks we try again, an attempt that began in just sex and led to a real relationship.
Until..he broke up with me because he’s insecure. How long did it take for me to gain any level of confidence back? How may nights am I still afraid, still have nightmares? And I finally felt happy until..I was too friendly with another girl. ‘Cause bi-girls, bi people in general are whores. And why did I flinch when he hugged me from behind, was I scared that he was some big mean rapist? Guess what? I was.
So this is a slight rant about my story, parts of it that I can write about.
Anyone who has ever felt victimized, used, abused…who has had their heart not only broken but stepped on and spit on, thrown on the grill then fed to the dogs…this is for you.
Anyone who had ever been the abuser..this is for you, too.
Remember, there’s always something, someone better out there. We can also always make ourselves better.
Live knowing what we have today could always be as bad as yesterday and tomorrow, we can make tomorrow better.
Love to all of you.