• Fear

    by  • July 18, 2011 • * Safe for Work *, Fear • 0 Comments

    I love you.

    For as long as I can remember, I never had a real attraction to anyone, even the girls I dated. I assumed this was normal and that ‘the one’ would change that. Boy was I right.

    I can’t stop thinking about you. I can’t stop imagining us together, intimately, or just routinely, reading the paper, making coffee, cleaning the house, doing yard work.

    Is this normal for a 22 year old to feel? You’re 11 years older than I am and that should be a big deal-breaker. I mean, we have such different lives, mine has just started and yours is already so far developed. You know what you want from life, I have no idea. All I know is that I want you, and you alone. I feel like I could do anything as long as I could come home to you at night and just see you, talk to you, cuddle with you.

    You’re self-esteem is so low. I hate when you talk down about yourself. I don’t understand how you can see yourself as being so worthless. Yes you were raped, no it wasn’t your fault, no you don’t deserve less in life because of it.

    You told me today that you knew two things: You were going to hell, and that you’d probably get HIV if you continued on the path you were on. I asked if you meant that, how could you even say such a thing, and you know what you said? “I KNOW they’ll happen. Best not to keep them waiting.” How dare you. That’s the most awful, hurtful, and selfish thing I’ve ever heard anyone say. I don’t know what I would do if you did that to yourself.

    The way you worded our conversation, before you said that. I thought you were going to say you were already HIV+. You said, “I don’t have AIDS, but I will soon enough.” I started hyperventilating. ‘Is this why you wont let US go further? Is this what you meant about, “I don’t want to hurt you, and I would”?’ In the seconds before you told me what you really meant, that you didn’t have it, I had already decided what our life would be like, how I would still want you, how I would risk it to be with you, how much it scared me but that I would still have you.

    This is all a bit much for me right now, and maybe I care too much, too soon. But I do. That’s how it is.

    Let me in, I will love you. Always.

    Love always,

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