Where has the time escaped to? February came, and went just the same, March, then April, now here we are in July. It seems to me like I have known you all my life because of how much we have put ourselves through by one another’s side yet it feels also life no time has passed when all I can label it is a blur. For a brief moment, when I think about the time I have spent with you, I imagine I could count on ten fingers how many that might have been but I know that is not so because I saw you nearly every day and only recently is that different. Hard to admit, but I would never want to change what we now call the past between the two of us. Altering or eliminating any fight, any cry, any laugh, any smile, or any hug would just take away a lesson I learned from our relationship and any lesson I learned from you. You just being you, whoever that may be.
I sometimes wonder if I ever really knew why you actually were. I’d like to think I did, if even for a moment there but experience and time has led me to believe that I was playing games with a stranger. It just seemed too easy to read you, A solid combination of an old familiar face that was comforting to me in a healthy way, and a new, honest, trustworthy, challenging and exciting person that was still such a mystery. I loved that mix. It was not only safe, but it always kept me interested, always kept me on my toes, and never let me down for an extended amount of time and I was content with that. I counted on that.
You made me feel safe, you made me feel like I was somehow home. I would never pass up an opportunity to waste away in your living room in the dark. It was security to me, a safe haven that never failed, I always looked forward to snuggling up next to you in the corner of the brown suede couch for as long as we let possible. But now, you, and the corner of that brown suede couch seems foreign. To me that is sad. To me that hurts, but to me, it was real.
It’s partially pathetic in my own over analyzed head to really grasp the way I actually, truly felt about you when we never even established a title for ourselves but I have come to accept that despite my stubbornness and my wish for a traditional lifestyle, feelings are feelings and I know what I felt; title or no title. Although now I can see it was foolish of me to believe that someday there would be a name for me to call you to the people that asked, as its still hard to see it vanish just as quickly as it started.
The moment I knew that our journey had run its course, that our hello had come to pass and we had clearly worn out our welcome, was a moment I knew that my heart would probably never be the same and even though thinking about how so much was to change and now exhausting it was to be trying to get over you, that moment came as a relief to my heart and to my head. I knew that I needed to get out the broom and dustpan to clean up the mess, get the shovel and start filling in the hole that we dug deeper and deeper for ourselves each day. It would not have taken long before you or I fell in so I finally did what I had to do.
Having said that though, I am grateful that this goodbye is different. I’m grateful that this time I am not wearing blinders to every bad thing that happened. I am grateful that this time I can recognize the good and respect the bad for leading us to where we are to be happier, and for providing some solid ground for our friendship to one day grow upon.
Deep down somewhere inside me, I knew I could have never loved you forever but seeing it written down makes it seems more real and in turn make me think twice about what I thought I had always known. I don’t know if whatever it was that we shared does or ever will mean anything to you but it means a lot to me. I got to the point where I didn’t want to play the games anymore, I just wanted you and I’m sorry for the fact that you could never get there. I know now that I deserve better than someone who was always only ever willing to give me a portion of their heart that I had to share with others I didn’t even know. I know that there is someone somewhere who is willing to give me all of their heart and I will not have to share it so how foolish I would be to stay wrapped up in you for one more second longer when what knowledge was lingering slowly in the back of mind constantly. I know now that I truly do have a lot to offer and I have you to thank for helping me to realize that so I guess that is your thank you. Thank you for teaching me to be a little bit stronger this time, to be a little bit more mature and for being yet another perfect example of what I can see once again I need to change within myself. I am learning that the hard way but I guess it led me onto your path for a blink in time so I will never regret it. I hope one day we can get past it all and be each other’s friend. To explore what might have been beautiful before feelings got involved and attachments grew stronger. Lets pray for that possibility and also pray for each other’s happiness; happiness being each of our initial goals. Ending on the same page is a noble, brave and respectable thing. To set aside the differences and move forward in a new light. Lets try it.
Miss you for now,