sometimes I think I hate you.
sometimes I think that you’re no different than he was and that you’ll just disappear as soon as you’ve gotten what you want. I have no real reason to think these things.
So you’ll go a few days without talking to me. I shouldn’t take that as a sign of disinterest. You work multiple jobs, there’s a three hour time difference between us, I should be more understanding.
Why am I so quick to want to write you off as just another jerk?
I expected it from him. I don’t expect it from you.
I know you aren’t like that, but i still cant shake the fear that it could happen again.
Maybe what he did bothers me more than I know or can admit. That doesn’t mean I should hold you accountable for his mistakes.
I do understand that there is so much I fear with you, perhaps that is why I keep looking for excuses to hate you.
I fear becoming attached (although I can tell you with no lapse in certainty that this has already occurred), I fear having to deal with the fact that this would be a long distance relationship for the most part, I fear having to explain to my mother that I have decided to try and make this work (my mother being heavily prone to separation anxiety and fearing for me to be more than three hours drive away from her), and I fear that things would go wonderfully with us and then stop abruptly as I have had happen every other time in my past.
I miss you.
and I want you
and I need you
and that scares me,
but I do know that if we do this
and things really do work out with us
I’ll go through hell and high water to make last forever.
I just hope you would do the same.