• My honest words for James

    by  • July 17, 2011 • * Safe for Work *, Love - Pure and Simple • 0 Comments

    Dear James,

    I think I love you but you will never get me to admit that to anyone, not even my best friend. You won’t be able to get it out of me even if you make me drink until I’m incredibly drunk and willing to spill my guts (although you’re welcome to try). I’ll keep my feelings for you stored in the bottom of my heart and the back of my mind to prevent hurting you and Chris.

    If I exposed my feelings for you, not only would Chris be devastated, but your friendship with him would be over. I don’t want to be the Yoko Ono to break your 2-person “Beatles” apart. I don’t want either of you to pick me over your friend. After all, shouldn’t it be “bros over hoes”? On top of that, it would hurt you too. I’ve hurt you so much in the past that I absolutely wouldn’t blame you for getting up and just leaving me. I’m quite surprised you’re still my friend after all this mess I’ve caused. I see how much it hurts you when Chris and I are together so I don’t want you to suddenly find out that I like you or your mind just might explode from all the drama and confusion.

    I’ve always wanted to kiss you. Every time we hang out and we’re super close (physically), I feel the urge to kiss you. I guess, just like the urge you felt to hug me. I imagine you’d be a gentle and soft but good kisser. I love your adorable innocence and your slightly perverted/horny nature. It brings out the motherly side and the nympho side of me. I love when we cuddle and play around on our beds. It’s so silly yet somewhat romantic to me.

    I love talking about dirty things with you. It’s intensely amusing and I frequently re-read those conversations online. Just once, I wish you’d pounce on me and kiss me or something. If you do do that, I promise I won’t push you away but only once. And of course, I won’t “sleep” with you or do anything sexual but kissing and cuddling is super nice.

    Sometimes, I believe you still have strong feelings for me even though you said you don’t “love” me anymore and only consider me a close friend. When you told me you have something to ask me, I dread yet am extremely curious about what you have to say. My curiosity has reached paranoia and irrationality regarding your question. I am half hoping you’re going to tell me you still have feelings for me while fearing that you want to ask me if I still have feelings for YOU.

    Honestly, I feel that the only things keeping me with Chris is our history, our hometown and his love for me. Have you heard of the saying “it’s better to be loved than to love”? As in, it’s easier to just settle for someone who loves you than to chase someone who doesn’t? Well, I’m afraid you don’t love me. I’m afraid that my feelings for you are stronger than yours for me. I feel like I’m just settling with Chris to make him happy. Well, “settling” is the wrong word but I don’t think he is whom I want to be with anymore. He made me chase after him for so long that I’m tired of it. You, on the other hand, have been chasing me for a long time so like I am right now, I’m sure you’re tired as well.

    I wonder, do you ever sense that I like you as more than just a close friend? Chris has been complaining that I’ve crossed the line between good friend and girlfriend. He said I’m more like your girlfriend now that we are so super close and stuff. I guess he has a point since you’ve seen me in my underwear while I’ve seen you in yours and we’ve cuddled a bit in your bed. Not to mention I’ve groped you and you’ve touched my butt and stuff haha.

    Speaking of seeing me in my underwear. I really really hate that you know that Chris has seen me naked. Even worse, I hate more that he told you braggingly. Because of that, I no longer let him watch me change, get dressed or anything of that sort. At least I try not to but when we went swimming and came back to shower, he took some peeks. It makes me feel like a slut/whore that you know someone has seen me naked.

    I feel like you judge me now after knowing about him seeing me naked and my drinking. I used to trust you soo much because I felt like you don’t judge me (as much as others I know) but now all that has changed. I used to tell you almost everything but I feel like I can’t anymore. I had this naive and idealistic idea that you didn’t judge me, at least not while I’m around even though in the back of my mind, I know you do. Everyone does.

    I wish you’d tell me what you’re thinking. I want you to share your hopes and dreams, joys and laughs, sadness and tears with me. I don’t want you to keep it all to yourself. I want to be able to help you with things you can’t cope with. I hate the way you keep everything bottled up with no expressions to hint at what’s going on with you. Tell me if you love me or hate me. Tell me if you’re crying or laughing. Tell me what you want and what you hate. You always keep me guessing but I honestly don’t like surprises.

    I love how our horoscopes match up. You’re a family man and strong Taurus while I’m an emotional motherly Cancer. Apparently I’m a creative lover in bed which will bring you lots of joy and entertainment haha. Sometimes I wonder what our kids would look like too. I also wonder where we’d live, what we’d do, what our lifestyle would be like, and what our pets would be. Remember we were randomly talking about having our own vineyard? You taking care of the farming while I made the alcohol? Haha, that was an amusing conversation but I think I took it a little more seriously than you did. I actually thought about it and didn’t laugh it off as a joke. Silly, I know (isn’t that your line? haha).

    Anyway, that’s all I can think to confess at the moment. It’s late and I’m tired. Sometimes I wish I could sleep with you in your bed the way Chris and I do. Sometimes, I even pretend Chris is you. I know it’s horrible but since no one will know about this letter, I might as well get it all off of my chest. So as my final words, I love you and I secretly wish you loved me back too even though I doubt there is a chance for us to be together.

    Love, Amy

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