Looking upon the full moon and listening to LIGHTS for inspiration, I am revisiting something in order to close this chapter of my life with you. Also this is for ashleigh – just so you know I meant what I said about being here and seeing what it means to be alone from my perspective.
When I spoke to you about the things that kept me up at night, I was glad you responded each and every time. Sometimes my moronic thoughts bugged me enough I wanted to pester you with it so you can make out the gibberish. And because of that I really felt a kinship with you, I could talk to you about anything and you laughed at all my nerdy jokes and pop culture references and no one else got it. You were the closest person I had to a friend for many years as I tread life aimlessly in the dark and for that I was grateful. You made me feel alive.
Since then Talar, I knew I wanted to be close friends with you and in some ways still do. However I knew you were in a relationship with him, I name I dare not speak, for quite sometime. Even though I knew I could never have you because of him, I didn’t want to see you ever unhappy. As long as he keeps you happy and never stops loving you as much I do, I know you’re in good hands.
I really do wish I had met you earlier in my life, I might have ended up being a much better person then I am now. Things happen for a reason and I know that my confession towards you was bound to happen. We had similar interests and possibly the nerdest out of our nursing cohort group, you were into Harry Potter and I was into Doctor Who and we both loved zombie films. For a long time I had wondered “this girl is just too unbelievable, is she real or a figment of my imagination?”
The thing is she was unbelievable, but she was just my dream and real to someone else. I could never hold your hand, caress your face, or feel the touch of your lips onto mine. It was painful to know that regardless how close I could be to you, he was always closer – so I resided myself with exiling from you and the other girls because what I said to you. It didn’t help that they now know too about my feelings for you even though it was meant to be for your ears to know which did upset and anger me.
For a long time I have carried an enormous amount of guilt on my shoulders losing my first love and falling for someone new. In doing so to remove awkwardness we will both have to face, I have committed “emotional suicide” onto myself so as to never have feelings for you again. My contact will only be professionally based but as friends I can no longer see us as such.
I can’t look you into your eye’s and give you an answer for what I’ve done – because I don’t want to regret all the things I’ve done anymore.
What I said to Erin at that Quizno’s one day about her eventual marriage and my day dream that followed was true, I do want to see all three of you (yes even Kitty Kat Katelyn) married, with kids, and living the life I’ve envision for all three of you. The housewives three, several years after finishing the program discussing whats happened during their day and reminiscing about old times…perhaps even mentioning me. Unfortunately I will no longer be part of the picture post graduation, I know after being in love this last and final time, I choose my love for my profession over another person.
If that leads me to being alone for the rest of my life so be it, I began my life very alone and wished to be loved by someone but it seems as if that’s an impossibility (my being is just not accepted in society). So caring for others people will be enough for me, my happiness doesn’t matter in the end…just yours. I want all your dreams to come true and I do mean that and help others along the way. I want to be their protector so they never have to end up going through life as I have since I never had one myself. That is my life’s mission – the happiness of others even at the expense of my own.