I’m not really sending this to anyone in particular, but I just want someone to listen to what I have to say without judging me.
I’m almost 20 and have never had a girlfriend. The reason for that is complicated and I’m going to try my best to explain what’s been going on
I am a very caring person, I have always put friends and family first, before I think about myself. Whenever someone I care about has needed me, I have tried my very best to be there for them.
When I was younger and in high school, I wasn’t exactly the most outgoing person around. It’s not that I was antisocial, I wanted to be around others, I love being around others. However I think all of the bullying I dealt with in elementary school/middle school is what made me afraid to talk to others as I would always be nervous of what people would think of me. All of that changed when I met her.
I remember meeting her in English class, she was my age, we got along so well, had so much to talk about, to the point where we would stay up and talk to each other past midnight some days. She was so kind to me, I could tell her anything, she would listen, and most importantly I didn’t have to be afraid of what she thought of me. She was the closest friend I had in a very long time. There was only one problem, (most people who are reading this probably saw this coming) I was very attracted to her.
She was so beautiful. With her long hair, her gorgeous eyes, and every time I saw her smile it made me feel…honestly I don’t know how to describe it. I didn’t know what to do about these feelings, so I didn’t do anything at all. That only made the feelings stronger, until one day when we skipped class to hang out. I couldn’t hold it in any longer I just blurted out the way I felt about her.
Understandably she freaked out, she didn’t have those kinds of feelings for me at all. I fucked up an amazing friendship. She hated me, she thought i was “creepy”, every time I made eye contact with her she looked at me with disgust. She even accused me of stalking her simply because we happened to bump into each other in a parking lot. I had never been so hurt in my entire life, I had cried for the first time in years. However I blame no one but myself for what happened. I wasn’t going to start pointing my finger at her, because I’m the one who confessed the way I felt. I was a 15 year old in high school that had no idea what he was doing. I have always taken responsibility for my actions, and this was no exception.
I was not myself for a good 5 months, I was sad, didn’t feel like spending time with friends or family, I just wanted to be alone. I really was not happy
After those 5 months I was over it, and I was back to my old self. I had forgotten about her and moved on. However, the amount of pain I was in for those 5 months is something I do not want to experience ever again. That right there is the reason why I am still single. I admit it, I am afraid of being hurt like that again. The reason I am writing this is because despite the fact that I have an amazing, loving family and great friends. This is something I don’t know how to talk to them about.
Anyways, I have matured over the past 5 years (quite a bit actually, I can’t imagine that that 15 year old was me!) I am happy with my life and I have a lot going for me. However there is one thing after all these years that I have wanted more than anything. To hold a woman close in my arms, to kiss her, to look right into her fucking eyes and tell her that I love her, and for her to love me back. I’ve always wanted an intimate relationship, i dream about being married someday, and the fear of being hurt is what has been holding me back. Now that I’ve gotten this off my chest, I am feeling much better. I think I am ready to let go of this. Thank you to all who took the time to read this. It means a lot to me.