It’s July 16th and a month ago last year I saw you for the first time. It was a fairytale. It was cliche and romantic and felt it the plot had been written by a famed storyteller. You wanted me as much as I wanted you. And we were perfect. You were the first person I ever opened up to immediately. I spent everyday, almost all day with you and never started to like you less. I let you change my TV from Say Yes To The Dress to SportsCenter. You were my first love.
When summer ended, I moved back home and we still talked often, but the dynamic was different. And you were so guarded, I didn’t know what to think. You made me nervous. A month later we went back to school. I saw you on move-in day. You hugged my roommate/best friend like you’d know her forever. And you acted like you missed me. We didn’t spend the day together but everytime I saw you, my heart fluttered, but something had changed.
As classes started and we got settled in I saw less and less of you. You wouldn’t try to contact me, you would come to my dorm and not even stop by to see me. You only lived 5 minutes away. I was scared, I panicked. We went two weeks without talking or seeing eachother. Not maliciously, there was no confrontation, we just fell off. But it broke my heart. I assumed the worst, and made some pretty bad decisions as my heart broke.
Then I saw you on the bus one day, and the feelings I had been suppressing and hiding from everyone, including myself, flooded out. You made me dizzy and sad, seeing you smiling at me, pulling me in to hug you, it uncased by broken heart. Every ounce of me oozed with yearning, for you. And then you said you felt the same, but it was too late.
I told you the truth, what I had done. And we argued, and I lost. But I fought. and for months I’ve been fighting, trying to keep you here. I think a part of me will always want to fight. A part of me will always wonder what would happen if everything could be done over, if both our mistakes could be fixed. But the truth is, no matter how bad I want to fight, the guilt of how I hurt you will always weigh heavily on me.
As much as I want to be with you, as much as I love you, I cannot spend the rest of my life apologizing. Everytime I look at you I see all the mistakes I made. I love you, I always will. But it’s time for me to let go.