• It was for the best

    by  • July 16, 2011 • * Safe for Work *, Letting Go • 0 Comments

    Dear T,

    I still love you. I loved you for too long to just stop from one day to the other. I can’t control it. I find myself thinking of you when I am alone. I know you don’t deserve it. You hurt me and I hurt you back, we were destined to fall apart some day. We grew up together and you were my best friend. You just knew me and that made me feel so safe. You’ve been gone for a long time and you took a piece of me with you when you left. You will always have it but you won’t know it. I act as if I’m okay and that I moved on. That’s just my way of dealing with this, faking it until it turns real. I don’t know when things are going to change or if they will ever. What else can I do? I can’t let you walk back into my life, I know that would happened once you found out that I still love you. You know me and that scares me. I go out of my way because I’m scared to walk into you. I wouldn’t know what I would do. The other day at the airport there was a guy who looked just like you and even though I practiced how I would act in front of the mirror, I was paralyzed in that moment. I was absolutely terrified. I pray to god every night that I never walk into you because it would hurt me even more. I hope that some day I will get over you the way I tell my friends I have. I never got closure. It still hurts so much. I love you so much and I wish I could tell you. You have not heard from me for one year and I didn’t reply to the message you sent me on my birthday because I know that if I do, I won’t stop. That probably made you think that I don’t care about you. It’s better that way. Ever since you left I changed my life to the better. I accomplished everything that I could not while I was with you because loving you was exhausting and self-destructive. So thank you for not being in my life anymore and for giving me the strength to do everything I thought I could not. I’m not mad at you. I just still love you and that won’t ever change. It took me a year to be able to write something like this without crying. I made it and I’m proud of myself. You weren’t good for me, you weighed me down. Interpret that whatever way you want.

    Thank you for showing me that there are more important things in life,

    M

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