• A Letter For Me

    by  • July 16, 2011 • * Safe for Work *, Acceptance • 3 Comments

    This is a letter for me. I understand that no one may ever read it. I won’t be offended if that is the case. Because this is a letter for me.

    I am so proud of you. In this past month, week really, you have grown in ways I never thought you could. You have handled hurtful situations like an adult. You have learned that while other people may try and tear you down, you are always capable of picking yourself back up. You can be the bigger person. You HAVE been these past few weeks. For these reasons, and so many more, I am proud of you.

    I know you fell in love with him. I can’t blame you. Everything happened so fast. You had known him for years but one night everything changed; life with him started moving 100 mph. On day five he told you he bet he could get you to say the ‘l-word’. On day five. Looking back this all seems so foolish. The things he said, like lines from romantic comedies. The speed with which he said them, after a week you went on vacation and the whole time you were gone he texted you saying how much he missed you and how much he wanted you to come home. Wow. Even now this all just seems so….abnormal.

    So, it didn’t take very long for you to fall in love with him. It was a summer most people only dream about, a summer Nicholas Sparks would write about. And then, a few months later, you had sex with him. You should have been nervous since it was your first time, but you weren’t. You trusted him and cared about him and believed he felt the same way about you. But he didn’t love you. He told you this after. But that was ok. Because he was struggling with depression.

    Which is why you couldn’t walk away. It’s why you had to be there for him the whole year. You were glued to your phone in case he had a bad day or hour or minute and needed someone to pick him up. And you should have been. He started on antidepressants and only you knew. You had to look out for him.

    It was such an up and down year. You stuck it out. You were there for him every time he needed you. You tried to listen when he said you just weren’t right for him, but it was hard. It was hard to hear him say that and then act the complete opposite. So you decided to wait to see how things worked when you got home. And at the beginning, things were ok.

    You told him you couldn’t be friends with him which was true. It was hard to just be friends with someone you loved. But that lasted for two days. He kissed you at work and everything came flooding back. He told you how lonely he felt when you weren’t talking and how easy it was to kiss you.

    Within three weeks he was on to someone else at work. He tried to hide it from you, he lied to your face multiple times. But you knew. You caught on before anyone else, because for a year you had been there for him. So it was hard. Everyone was talking about it, after all she is almost four years younger than him. it struck everyone as odd. But you dealt with it.

    You saw how he said the same things to her he said to you almost exactly a year before. You saw how he told her how annoying he thought you were. You were shocked because you knew that only a few weeks before he didn’t think that. Then, you saw the worst thing. He told a friend how he never really liked you and that you were just a rebound and you took it way too far. Within minutes your world came crashing down.

    How do you react when the first person you loved says that? What do you do when the first person you thought actually cared about you said he never did?

    The old you would have broken down for weeks, maybe even months. The old you would have been distant at work, unable to look at him or her. Which is why I am so proud of the new you.

    You took a day, maybe two, and you let it go. You realized that he was not worth it. If he wanted someone else, he could have her. And she could have him. She could have him and his moving too fast, his saying serious things when he should have still been casual, his going from 0 to 60 without so much as blinking, his dependency, his neediness, his headaches.

    Of course she gets a lot of good things. You can’t deny that for a while it was good. But you realized that something is off, and you have now learned that moving so fast isn’t normal.

    He made mistakes. You did too. But you learned from yours. I believe that you won’t make those same mistakes again, you are talking it slow with a new guy now. He will make the same mistakes. He’s repeating what he did last summer with someone new this summer. I am so proud of you. I am proud of you for treating the girl like a friend as you did before this all happened. I am proud of you for deleting him from your life and acting respectful towards him at work even when he treats you like you’re invisible. You have grown so much.

    This is a letter for me. I doubt anyone has read to this point. If you have, thank you. Thank you for allowing me to take pride in myself. Thank you for allowing me to rant about something that probably seems trivial to your life. I wish it was trivial in my life, but it isn’t. In fact, it is the opposite. He changed my life. Not in the way I was hoping, but in a better way I think. Falling in love with him and having him love me back wouldn’t have taught me anything. But having this happen, this roller coaster of love and pain, it’s taught you to be guarded. Not in a bad way, but in a way that teaches me to take things slow and be dependent on myself. I hope you are these things too.

    I hope you don’t have to be hurt but I hope you learn to love yourself and that no one can fill the spot in your heart reserved for you. You are wonderful. You deserve to be treated with respect. You deserve honesty. You deserve laughter. You deserve love. Don’t settle for less.

    This is a letter for me. But I guess, in a way, it is a letter for everyone.

    Even him.

    3 Responses to A Letter For Me

    1. kelsie
      July 16, 2011 at 12:58 am

      I love this. You’re strong. 🙂

    2. Stephanie
      July 16, 2011 at 11:35 am

      You are amazing. I read it all the way through. I can relate. A lot.

    3. Chrissy
      July 16, 2011 at 5:07 pm

      loveeee i read the whole thing and tought like you, your friend is strong

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