• Who I wish you were

    by  • July 15, 2011 • * Safe for Work *, To You • 0 Comments

    I remember the first time I met you. I was shy but you did everything to try to get me to talk to you. After that day, I’d think about you all the time. Eventually, we started dating. I was the happiest girl alive. So happy that I’d talk about you all the time to the point where people had to tell me to shut up…but I didn’t care because you made me happy. As time went on, you started to change but I was so in love with you that I didn’t care. People said you treated me like dirt and they were right. You never called, only saw me for 10 minutes in a day and stopped trying or caring. I can’t even explain it to this day.

    As time went on, a hole in my heart began to form. I remember crying myself to sleep every night hoping you’d change. It was your senior year in high school and you wanted to leave so badly. I never wanted to keep you from your dreams, believe me. But I didn’t want you to leave either. You started getting worse, but I never told anyone. The day I finally grew nerve to break-up with you….you cried and promised you’d change…and for a moment, I believed it. I took you back in a heartbeat. You lied to me. We tried being friends after our relationship clearly didn’t work out. I started hanging out with my guy bestfriend and within a year and half we started dating.

    What a mistake…In the beginning, I was happy and relieved that finally someone was showing that I mattered. I told you about it and you hated me. We don’t even talk anymore. So, this is my apology. I still loved you when I was with him…even though you treated me badly…I wanted you to come after me and get me back like in the movies. Show up at my doorstep with flowers and tell me I’m the most important thing in your life. But you didn’t. While I had someone that gave me the affection you didn’t give me, I still wanted you. I guess you can say I was in love with who I wish you were. This is my message to you: I’m sorry. I’m sorry I was never good enough for you and I’m sorry that I still think you till this day…3 years later. You’re in my head, my thoughts and my dreams. If you happen to ever see this I want you to know that I’m sorry for hurting you. I’m sorry for moving on even when I wasn’t ready. I felt pressured because for once, I mattered to someone and that scared me.

    I don’t know where you are now or what you think but I do know this: I loved you with everything I have and sometimes, I think I’ll always love you. Today, not as the boy I love but the boy I hope is doing okay. Like a friend. I know you’re tangled up in some bad stuff right now but please..just snap out of it. It isn’t you…and it isn’t cool to do something just to fit in with your friends. If what led you into this new way was because of me…then, I’ll never forgive myself but I just want you to know that I’m doing okay and I hope you are too. Don’t think I ever stopped caring because I didn’t. I love you, Panda.


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