• Somebody to Love

    by  • July 15, 2011 • Depression • 7 Comments

    I’m only sixteen, but……… I’m afraid I’ll never experience love. Of any kind. Ever.

    I’ve been depressed for years. I act okay. And I’m great at acting, but…I’m not. Every day I wake up, and I just want to cry. Because I think to myself “Why, God? Why am I still alive? Why am I forced to face another day of complete loneliness and depression?” They think just because I don’t have anything wrong with me, I’m fine. That just because I don’t cut myself, I don’t think about killing myself. That I don’t think of just jumping out of a moving car on the freeway. Of poisoning myself. Of overdosing on anything. They think just because I don’t throw up I don’t hate myself. That just because I don’t starve myself I don’t hate myself.

    I do. I’m disgusted with myself. I want to do it. But I’m a wimp. And a coward. I hate myself for that, too.

    I have no one. My mom gets so mad at me sometimes. I’m a donor kid, I’ll meet my dad at 18. My grandmother doesn’t care. My grandfather, the only person I was ever close to, died my 8th grade year. And I grew distant with him the last two years of his life. My handicapped great-aunt I help everyday is self-centered and manipulative. Her son is a compulsive liar who tried to rape one of my cousins. The people in my family I’m closest to live in Europe. And the saddest part? I feel like I can trust my French teacher more than my mother. I feel like I’m a part of her family almost… even though I know I’m not. And I doubt she even cares. And I feel like my Chef, my culinary instructor is more of a father than I’ve ever had. Ever.

    I’ve never been hugged by a friend. I’ve never been invited with people. In fact, when my entire class was invited to a party? I mean, my ENTIRE class. I wasn’t. I. Specifically. Wasn’t. Just me.

    I’ve dealt with loneliness most of my life. And I’ve been fine with it before… but…It feels worse, now. All I have are my books. My escape. My alternate universe. I live through the characters. It’s almost sad.

    And please don’t look at me like I’m having a pity party……….. I’ve never told anyone this stuff. Even my “best friend”.

    My biggest fear in life, is that I’ll never be kissed, never have a boyfriend, never have a child, never have a family of my own. And each and every day, I think… it would be so much easier if I just… died. No one cares about me. And here I sit. Alone. Venting to the internet to people who won’t even give a shit about this. Oh well. C’est la vie..

    7 Responses to Somebody to Love

    1. Marce
      July 15, 2011 at 7:59 pm

      I care about you. And you can count on me, I’ll be there for you, at day and night. I’m not part of your imagination, I’m real, and I care for you. Do you have facebook? this is my name : wichilopoztli cortes g. (I know , kind of weird but it is how my friends call me, how you call me from now on 🙂 )

    2. akds91
      July 15, 2011 at 8:23 pm

      first off..La vie 🙂 second dont lose hope. i just turned 20 and had never been kissed or anything by a guy.i wanted so bad for it to happen before i turned 20. i thought “what teenager has never been kissed or done ANYTHING at all?this isnt normal” then 2 days before my 20th birthday i was soo depressed about it and the craziest thing happened.i had been crushing on my friends brother for almost 2 years&i decided to get his 3 off of facebook(i knw crazy stalker lol) and i txted him and by some miracle of miracles he txtd me back and we started talking and we went on a date and i got everything i wanted b4 i turned 20. this all happened in 2 days! Just dont give up hope. because if this crazy thing happened for me i know that you wont be alone forever 🙂

    3. MyLife....
      July 15, 2011 at 9:55 pm

      I care about you. I may not even know you, but i care about you.
      You will be kissed, you will have a boyfriend, you will have a beautiful child and many many more to make a wonderful family of your own.

      I’ve been where you are. Many times, same situation, same problems, same feelings. Don’t hate yourself. You are beautiful.

      And what does that mean to you? Well nothing. I know. I’ve been there.

      Look in the mirror and smile…… You. Are. Beautiful. Tell yourself. Tell your parents. Tell your friends. Tell strangers. They need to know the truth.

    4. hope
      July 15, 2011 at 10:15 pm

      Never been hugged by a friend. How strange that of all you said, that is what stuck out. I know it isn’t the same, but I would hug you right now, so here is a hug. And I give a , well, you know what. (I don’t swear, sorry)And people do care-I care, God cares, and the people around you care. some may not, but some do and are too cowardly to show it or don’t know how. You’re not alone. Be still and know that He is with you and I am thinking and praying for you, oh girl I probably don’t know. Don’t lose hope.

    5. Judy S
      July 15, 2011 at 11:52 pm

      You are not alone, and somebody does care about you. I was you. I could have written your post. I was 15 the first time I was kissed, and it was not what I had hoped for. I met my husband about a month later, but he was with someone else, and just a friend. After a relationship that was clearly about love for me, but sex for him (because I was so insecure I did ANYTHING he wanted,) I saw my future hubs again at a party (with our respective others.)
      About a week later, douchebag dumped me over the phone. I saw future hubs at my friends house later, and he was so there for me. We clicked, and now we have a 12 year old daughter and a 6 year old son. He is truly the love of my life, and has dealt with my depression for years. I am currently on medication, and it works awesomely.

      My advice for you is to empower yourself. Get help for your depression, please. I don’t know what you look like, but it can’t possibly be as bad as your depressed mind pictures it.
      Also, be patient. Don’t focus on a relationship. You are at an age that you can never get back. Have fun, be crazy wild, and enjoy the world. Find what you are good at and go nuts.
      Love will come. True love. Don’t do anything you are not comfortable doing just to keep someone close.

      Please take care, and I am praying for you.

    6. Rachel B
      July 15, 2011 at 11:55 pm

      hi there. Don’t think for one second that this is a remark of pity, OR that you don’t matter and will be alone for the rest of your life. I, too, am sixteen, and earlier in my life I felt the same way and had the same fears that you have about finding someone for a family. This might sound cliche, but just have faith that things will turn around. To every negative side there’s always a positive, you just have to look at it in a different perspective. and don’t worry, other people do care. including myself; even though were strangers to each other. I care.

    7. Uncool
      July 16, 2011 at 4:58 am

      I do sometimes day dream of doing great things vicariously through certain archetypes of characters – The Question/Batman for instance so your not alone in this. :/ I’ve told things here as well I would not dare speak of to my “friends” lest they turn around and do something with that information but I digress.

      My point was that depression has been a struggle for most people, myself included as I have yet to actually contact a therapist about it, even if the suggestion of two friends of mine. I’ve just continue to fight the good fight of being a good person in a not so good world and removing negative influences in my life to bring back to that dark place if being completely alone and as someone else may have mention my activity here has been increased because summer seems long and desolate until I read letters like this and I yearn to help another such as myself.

      I too have friends abroad, mostly in Poland in which my uncle was born from. Its where I want to retire and live out the rest of my life, at that place I found peace like no other with such beauty unparalleled in comparison the to the states. So don’t think people don’t care about your predicament because some of us are going through or have gone through the same thing.

      Keep your chin up, if you have dreams of change then make them happen. Don’t ever let someone tell you otherwise, you have one life to live so take advantage of it. Its not how you start your life that matters, its how you finish it going through that journey and possibly affecting someone else life in the process.

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