He was a senior in high school. I was a junior. He was dealing with college applications. I was dealing with my honors and AP classes. He wanted a relationship from the beginning. I wasn’t quite so sure. He convinced me. I said yes.
Three months later, I was left with an ineffable happiness and those around me could notice the difference in the way I spoke and the way I acted. I was happier and there was no reason to ever question my happiness– everyone just knew. He did all of those cliche things– send me cute text messages, take me out on cute dates, and let me know that he was thinking of me. I trusted that our relationship would steadily progress to something more. I fell deeper and deeper; I immersed myself in the idea of us. I think what I forgot is that the scariest part about love is knowing that one day, your significant other can wake up and feel differently about you.
He woke up one day and felt differently about me. In his own words, I had become more of a sister than that of a girlfriend. I couldn’t understand what I had done wrong and why he was the one who had pushed this relationship onto me and had suddenly changed his mind. He had convinced me that he wasn’t like any of the others of my past and it turned out he was much worse.
I spent a good few days wallowing in my misery as I questioned and beat myself up for all of the things I should have said or done to have saved us. But I gained strength as I realized that to fall in love is a true gamble. I fell into this completely aware that either of us had the option to end it; in other words, I gave him access to my inner thoughts, I gave up my time, and I gave him my compassion in the hopes that he would make me happier. And he did. I don’t think I’ve ever been happier than I was when I was with him.
Realizing this doesn’t make me sad; it makes me happy, anxious, and excited for the next relationship I may encounter. Although I may be a little more guarded, I know that when I do find that happiness again, it’s going to be amazing beyond words. That happiness is all worth the gamble.