I wish I could tell you this, and a part of me already knows that you are aware, how could you not be, after I thew myself at you those years ago. I didn’t know what else to do. I was losing the only person who I felt like myself around. I thought you were mine for the taking it was just a matter of reuniting to be sure the chemistry we had over the phone was the same in person. How could I still feel this way about you, almost 4 years, and 2 relationships later. I still feel like my heart is in your hands. We haven’t even talked much in the past year.
It broke my heart to shards when I found out that you had been dating someone else behind my back. And I lost you, and I didn’t get a chance to love you in person like I wanted to. I already know you are my soul mate, how else could you still have my heart after all this time? I can’t marry anyone else, I can’t even fully commit to anyone else because there’s a part of me that still hopes I could have you. You will always be the one that got away. You will always be the Ashley to my Scarlett. That is the best way to describe it. Because you lead me on. Make me believe that you still care about me, and I end up hating you and loving you at the same time because you are so damn sweet I can’t hate you. And despite my heartache, you still make me feel like nobody else ever has, and probably nobody else will ever make me feel that good either. You are exactly the man I want. I can carry on intelligent conversations with you, you understand me and bring out the best in me like nobody else ever has. Is it just a tragedy of life that there will always be one who gets away, one who is as elusive to you as the stars in the heavens?
I can’t even talk about you, nobody gets how I could feel like this. You are the secret locked up in my heart. Logic tells me that if you really cared about me, you would have waited for me to get there, but I still can’t let you go, as much as I try to talk myself out of loving you. You told me once that the things you love about your fiance are the things that she has in common with me. How am I supposed to take that? I try to forget you, but my dreams won’t let me. You’re like a painful addiction, I can’t help but to talk to you sometimes. I know it just makes things worst and rekindles my feelings, but I have to have my dose of you, to make me feel good, even if only for an hour or so.
I doubt you could feel the same way about me as I do about you, but I hope that whatever happens, you are happy, and that your kindness is never taken advantage of. I hope that your new family makes you content and that you never look back wondering “what if?” I hope that I can still remain your friend, as selfish and masochistic as that may be, I still want to be able to rejoice in your joys and share in your sadness. I wanna be there for you, my sweet, sweet Andy. I hope that you will let me, I know you need someone to talk to just as badly as I do. I promise to hide my feelings, so that may be possible. I almost hope you come across this letter in your web meandering, but most of all, I want you to be happy, whoever you are with in life. I know your two little boys have the best daddy they could ever ask for, and your fiance has the best man she’ll never know she could possibly have. I hope she grows to appreciate everything you do for her, and the amazing guy you are. She’s got to come around sometime, how could she ever not? You stay up with the baby ’till 5 in the morning so she can get some uninterrupted sleep. What new mom ever gets uninterrupted sleep? You’re the best Andy, and I hope you know it.
Until the end of my days, you will be in my heart. I love you with all that I am.
Sincerely, tenderly, truly, madly,and deeply yours,
Empty, That is the only word
I can use to describe this
longing pain inside of me.
I float around, but what am I for?
I heard your choice.
It struck a large bell that
shook and rung out from deep inside me
until my whole body seemed to vibrate
from the intensity
of what it meant.
I have never been so alone.
And what can I expect?
I am cast out from society
like some kind of oddity.
That must be what I am
for who else could wander
into anguish in such a way?
You don’t love me anymore.
My place has been taken
and I deserve it.
It is just as well
for I, too have lied to protect
and now I suffer the consequences
in so many ways
that I cannot fathom how
wrong I must have been.
I am now truly alone.