• To you

    by  • July 13, 2011 • * Safe for Work *, Closure • 0 Comments

    Hey.. I’m writing to you after all this time because I finally feel I can without dissolving into tears. I’m sorry for the way things turned out and if I could I’d do anything in my power to change them back.. I can’t describe to you how lonely I’ve felt without you, how much I’ve cried in the years we’ve been apart and how guilty I’ve felt for hurting you the way I did. I wish I could go back and erase all the pain I gave you. You said to me that I was never totally honest with you and I wish I’d told you that what I felt for you was honest, if I kept things from you it was because I was too scared of your anger and derision. I used to hate it when we fought, nothing hurt me more and knowing I was to blame only felt worse. I’ve cried more these past years than I’ve ever cried before, hurt till the pain became almost second nature. There were times when i felt I wanted to end it and only the presence of my friends held me back. I drank to stop thinking and ended up crying at the memories instead. I’m so tired of hurting and hiding behind a facade. I feel now that I’ve reached a stage where it doesn’t hurt as much to not have your love but I still care for you and the fact that you don’t want it and would rather I stay out of your life hurts my heart. I can’t help looking after you and caring for you, and there are times when I find myself naturally gravitating towards you. I have to physically restrain myself from acting on my impulses, though it’s getting easier now. I don’t want to stand in the way of what could be between you and her, and I’m sorry she hesitates because of me. More than anything I want to finally move on.

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