I still love you. In my anger, sometimes I speak too hastily, sometimes I’m immature, but you know that I would never get so emotional if I wasn’t truly hurt and if I didn’t truly love you. I don’t know why I expected you to give me another chance, maybe I always knew you wouldn’t, but wishful thinking never hurt anyone, why should it now?
Well, my wishful thinking didn’t stop the proverbial floodgates from opening up and drowning me in a sea of profanities and immaturity that I was so proud you had not previously seen from me. I had planned on being completely civil, but how can I knowing that your heart now goes out to another? I have never been able to imagine you with anyone else without being sick. Is that possessive and petty and jealous?
Of course it is. But am I a petty, jealous, possessive ass?
I would love to say no.
Guilt is not the way to go, I know, you’ve told me that so many times during that last conversation, that last conversation during which I did nothing but put my foot in my mouth while shooting myself in my other foot.
If there’s one thing I want it would be the chance to do this last year over. There are so many things I wish I could have done or wish I could have avoided. Getting involved with you was the best thing that happened. I still remember the night we met. I remember that I could feel chemistry between us. I remember the way you looked at me when you found out that we had so much in common. I remember the first time we spent time with each other. I remember how happy I was when I asked you out and found out that our feelings were mutual. I remember how I would hug you goodbye when we were just friends, but that cold winter day when you added the word “girl” to the front of the word “friend” and I was about to leave and go home, I gave you a hug that felt so much different than the ones that came before. It felt better. I could feel love in it.
But if I could do it over, I’d come right to your house after work on your birthday. No, better yet, I’d take off from work for your birthday and spend the whole day with you.
If I could do it over, I would speak up in situations where I let you get pushed to the back in favor of my friends.
If I could do it over, I would make sure that I made it more obvious that I was paying attention to you.
If I could do it over, I would let you know that you were the only thing left in the world that I cared about.
Now, I don’t know who this new guy is, and maybe this will only prove how immature and jealous I am, but he will never make you as happy as I did in the beginning. He will never love you like I did. He is not your soul mate.