• That First Love

    by  • July 13, 2011 • * Safe for Work *, Moving On • 0 Comments

    To my First Love,

    So everyone claims the first is the best, and then the worst to lose. Well, it’s not a lie. It’s also the hardest to forget. I built up countless memories with you, laughing, talking, crying, pulling each other through the hard times.
    It made me think; this is it, you are the one I want to be with, spend my life with, have children with, and grow old with. The whole time I will be smiling because I’m with you.

    Then you went.


    Like a treasure had been snatched away in the night. I spent the next few months crying. Not all the time, I would forget for half an hour, a blissful half hour. Then it would come back. The times I forgot lengthened with each passing day. A hard up hill struggle to sanity.

    I could not eat, I felt sick to the core.

    Sleep used to be an escape. It was now a torture that I dreaded; because you can not control your thoughts whilst asleep. I would wake up crying and shaking, hearing your voice in my head, saying my name, laughing. It would not leave. How I wished it would! To return to my normal self was all I wanted.

    You came back, won’t let me be. A couple of months later you tell me you cheated. I break again. The pain is back. My soul feels as though it is ruptured and there is no chance of fixing anything again, because you lied. I crawl back to you because there is no hope of me staying sane another way.

    You are wonderful, but you haven’t changed. I’m still healing and crying because of what you did. Finally the pain of being with you is more than the pain of being away. I leave.

    Really, I left the day you turned up on my front lawn. I probably left first. But getting back to where I am now has been the hardest challenge in my life. I am far stronger because of it.

    So you tell me now; 9 months on from this, and 4 years from the start, that you will not fall for another girl the same way. That you still dream about me. That you still think about us.

    You may not fall in love that way again, that much is true, however you will find someone that is better for you. That brings out your good side and calms your bad, balances your life so that you may be happy for who you are, not who you are trying to be.

    I found them. He gives me hope for my future, and a smile that I can not explain.

    Please think with your head, not your heart and your hormones. Otherwise you will lose another, and another. Because it happened before me, to me, and no other girl deserves that to happen to them in the future.

    Good luck, I know it is hard. Thank you for providing me with the best times of my life, and the worst times, for I have learned from them all.

    You will not believe how strong you are, until you have no other choice.

    Nikki x

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