• looking back

    by  • July 13, 2011 • * Safe for Work *, Moving On • 0 Comments

    I will never say that I regret my time with you, I make a point to not regret anything i have done in this life, because i know that i would not be where i am or be the person i am today if i hadn’t made those mistakes.

    Having said that, I will say that staying with you as long as i did has got to be the worst mistake i have ever made. I am so glad that i finally came to my senses and ended it when i did before things went any further. Looking back at our relationship, i see how stupid, naive, and childish i was to think that it was a healthy loving relationship. Can you believe i wanted to marry you at one point in time?

    When i think back on how things were, i feel so unbelievably stupid. Stupid for letting you do things i should have known were wrong. I should have stopped it when it started, but how should i have known? you were my first, you were experienced where i was not, i didn’t know any better. I should have stopped you when you took my virginity against my will…
    or maybe i should have stopped you when, after that, all you ever wanted was sex and nothing else seemed to matter
    or maybe i should have stopped you when i found out you were doing things to me when i was asleep, and purposely trying to keep me from waking up during the process
    or maybe i should have stopped you after i got raped at a party your fraternity was throwing and you kept telling me you still wanted to be a part of that frat and would never forgive me for making you leave it

    All you needed me for was sex and comfort, like a second mom, but one you could have your way with. That it sick, you are sick, and i feel sick for putting up with it for so long.

    Do you know why i seemed to be able to move on so fast? It’s because for the last few months of our relationship, i did not love you. I had no desire to continue the relationship, I was just so terrified of the idea of being without you, without someone. One day i woke up, and it’s like everything fell together and started making sense. We had a shitty relationship, and i didn’t want to be in it anymore. I kept telling you i wasn’t happy, you kept telling me to see a therapist about it and that i should learn to be happy with what i have. What i should have said is that i wasn’t happy with you.

    I wish i could sit here and rant and rave about how this is your fault and that you’re a terrible person and such, but i can’t. It’s not fair to blame you for something that i seemed to have supported at one time. It was both of our faults. We were young and stupid, both feeling like no one in the world gave a damn about us, so we learned to care for each other. I think we actually did love each other for a good portion of the time, but we were too young to know what love really was so we made up our own skewed version of what we thought it was and just went with it.

    Breaking up with you was one of the best decisions i ever made. It gave me a chance to figure my shit out and now i have, and i am part of a very healthy and loving relationship with the sweetest and most caring guy i have ever met. And sometimes, i sit and think about how great it would be to see you again and show you how happy i am without you, like a final fuck you, but then i realize it’s just my emotions getting in the way, and i truly hope that you are happy now as well.

    I think i’ve finally found my Happily Ever After

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