• I refused to ‘believe’ because I couldn’t remember your name

    by  • July 13, 2011 • * Safe for Work *, Soulmate • 0 Comments

    I can’t help but think about the ways you tried telling me it was you, before I really believed it was… back when I couldn’t remember your name. I’m sorry it took me so long to believe it was really you but I guess everything happens for a reason.

    You told me you have a cousin with my name as you were nodding your head. I knew something was up in the way you said it and it took me a long while to remember you telling me that way back then. You knew it was me with the familiarity you felt and you remembered my name. Your memory came back quickly… mine on the other hand took a long time. You would think with me being the female in this equation, since females are generally more sentimental, that it would be me that would remember and not the other way around. I kept hearing hints that led to the fact that it was you, I kept remembering more of our night and the puzzle pieces were all fitting together… but I refused to really believe until I had all the puzzles pieces in place.

    One of the last things I remembered to remember… the last pieces of the puzzle… was your name and our promise to each other. I still am not sure on what we promised, I remember something to the affect of it not being fair to the ones we were with… maybe something about being friends… that you wouldn’t have to worry about her… and for some reason I would have to leave the one I was with IF… not sure on the IF. I am not sure if I will ever remember the final promise.

    You kept giving me hints on how to remember your name:

    Like the time you told me you might be related to someone with the same last name. I saw the way you looked at me when you said it, as if trying to get me to remember.

    You took us to the lake, the lake we visited back then, and it made me remember more.. I finally remembered your first name… the one you used back then. But when I first saw where we were… I didn’t realize at the time it was you I was with when I had been there once before.

    Then you started having your old friends call you by your nickname when I was around… trying to jog my memory.

    But for some reason I had a hard time remembering your full given name, and it caused me to be in denial about it happening, until one day I had a memory surge. I remembered you telling me your middle name and I replied with it being the same as the sausage and you said you were pretty sure that was not the name of the sausage. I remember laughing at myself once I had realized my mistake. I remember you telling me your last name, I remember you saying you might be related to the one with the same last name.

    All this runs through my mind all the time… I can’t help but think about all that has happened and I can’t help but think about our night back then. I can’t help but remember how you said you felt back then… and it really blows my mind when I see you still have the same feelings now. What blows my mind even more is that I am feeling those things now too.

    But I must fight it… I must move on from what these feelings mean… even if it means being with someone you don’t approve of. I know you don’t like the fact that I chose to be with him, your gf doesn’t either. But right now, I need him… I need him to help me to forget about the feelings I have for you. I needed to use the love I finally found in my heart… I couldn’t keep it hidden away. And when I decided to try and see him with my heart.. I found LOVE. I know the situation is not good right now… but there is HOPE and I have FAITH.

    HOPE LOVE FAITH… what more could I ask for? I may not be with the one that opened me up to pure love but I just might have found a true love. And I can only hope that you have found that with her as well. I truly care about you a great deal and I know you do me too. I might stumble and I might fall.. I might find out I am wrong in my new beliefs, but I do know that no matter what happens… another lesson will be learned.

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