• An Apology You’ll Never See

    by  • July 13, 2011 • * Safe for Work *, Breaking Up • 0 Comments

    Dear Kenneth,

    I haven’t seen you in years and I will probably never see you again. I do see your new girlfriend around sometimes. I hate that the the last time I talked to you I told you I didn’t care.

    Well, I lied.

    During our whole relationship I never was able to show how I truly felt about you. I put you off. You often came last to me. I’d ditch you to hang out with my so called friends. You were right about them by the way. If I had only understood how much you meant to me I’d probably be talking to you right now.

    So I know you have trust issues, but when you had shared your doubts about our relationship I was angry. I felt you were totally against me. When I get mad I lash out. Which I’m still trying to work on…

    When I talked to you after all that I had planned to break up with you. There was no way we could be together after everything, but then guilt set it. Somehow you still wanted me. Somehow deep in your heart you were able to start to forgiving me. I still haven’t forgiven myself for hurting you like that.

    But then things changed for the worse. I guess when you talked to your new girlfriend about what I had done she’s been sympathetic and kind. I’m sure she is better for you than I could ever have been. I’m sure you have changed into a whole different person. A better person actually. Maybe I had part in that change, but I truly couldn’t stand you. Your heart had turned black. The things you had said to me, and about me, I took to heart. I would cry through the late night phone calls only in hope that it would end soon.

    When my parents got involved everything got even worse. Maybe it was for the best though. Thinking back on it we would not have worked things out effectively. Breaking up with you was the worst thing in the world. At night I would wish just to hear your voice.

    But then I saw you at gym and the glare you gave me shattered the small hope I had left.

    I had thought we were meant to be. For a while I felt stupid for thinking that. But recently I realized I wasn’t wrong. I believe maybe we were meant to be together, but only for a short time. To teach each other about disappointment, letting go, faithfullness, affection.

    Wherever you are, whoever you’re with, I hope you are truly living to the fullest. Because the last time I talked to you I told you I didn’t care.

    Well, I lied.

    With love,
    Anita

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