• All of the Truths I Wish I Could Have Confessed

    by  • July 13, 2011 • * Safe for Work *, Confession • 0 Comments

    I really thought I was done with these letters, but it was very difficult for me to tell you how I really felt when I had the chance to do so. It’s much easier for me to write it all down like this. I had no idea what you were going to say to me that day and honestly, I was shocked that I even had the opportunity to speak to you again at all. That day was nothing I had hoped it would be. There were many things I wanted to say and many things I needed to hear from you. I thought talking to you would help me end this feeling of numbness I’ve experienced for the past few months, but I feel like it’s only made me even more emotionless and unresponsive to everyone else around me.

    The truth is: I am so angry with you. How dare you think that it’s alright to call me and apologize after four months of silence. That is not how it works. I spent months trying to get over you because you treated me like I was worthless after sharing two and half years with me. You have no idea how many nights I’ve lost sleep because I was so hurt by what you did to me. You are not allowed to pretend that everything is alright and that we can just be friends again, because everything I not alright. This is not alright. I am not alright. We are not alright. Not together. Not as friends. Not as anything. Not ever. Not anymore. It’s not alright that you send me messages asking me what I’m up to or how I’m doing. I’m glad you finally realized that I’m actually someone worth thinking about, but you are too late. The damage is done.

    The truth is: I miss you. I miss what we had together. I miss having a best friend. I miss having someone who knows everything about me, including all of my strengths and weaknesses, and even my imperfections, but still accepts me for who I am. I miss having someone who understands me and someone who I can talk about all my hopes and dreams for the future with. I miss having someone who cares about me as much as I care about them. I’ve tried to move on, I really have. It’s just so difficult. You know that new guy I told you about? I thought it would be easier to move on by having him around to distract me, but it’s not working out like I had planned. Sure he’s nice and maybe he’d be a good friend, but the feelings aren’t the same. The feelings aren’t even there actually. I kind of feel like I’m using him and I know that’s not fair to him, but I can’t help it. I miss the way I felt when I was with you and I am desperately trying to feel that way again.

    The truth is: I was wrong. I never told you this, but when we were still together, I believed we needed a break. I was wrong to ever think that it should be permanent. I regret ever feeling that way, but it looks like I got what I wanted. I know it’s my fault and I know I pushed you away. It’s true when people say that you never really know what you have until it’s gone. I judged you unfairly and thought you were the one holding me back, when in fact you were the one who always supported me no matter what. I’m so, so sorry that I ever thought these things and that I didn’t realize it or appreciate it until it was too late. I hope you can forgive me for that.

    The truth is: I still love you. That is why I was willing to let you explain even though I was angry. That is why I was willing to give you a second chance. That is why I am trying to be your friend again. You said that’s what you wanted, to be friends. I don’t think you realize how hard it is for me though. You hurt me so much when you told me you didn’t feel the same way anymore. It tore me apart all over again. I mean, I knew the feelings wouldn’t be the same. I don’t love you the same way I did before, but I thought the feelings would at least still be there because they are still there for me. I still care about you.

    A few days before you tried calling me for the first time in months, I believed that I had truly come to terms with the situation. I really did believe that I was finally in a better place emotionally and that I could at least learn to live half a life. I was wrong about that too though. I don’t know where to go from here. I don’t know how to be your friend while trying to not get hurt all over again and also trying to move on all at the same time. It’s even harder trying to be your friend when I don’t know how you feel or what you’re thinking or why you even want to be my friend in the first place. So I’m sorry if I’m not a great friend right now, but I am trying. I want to make this work because being just your friend is better than nothing at all.

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