by  • July 12, 2011 • Frustration, Letting Go • 0 Comments

    I am a prisoner of my own self. How did I ever get here?
    I know how but how could I ever let myself become this
    version of nobody of myself?

    I always knew love sucks, always tried to even deny its existence.
    Stupid me, now what?
    Nothing, as usual and looking at myself I can almost understand why.

    I am so caught up in this nightmare of tiny happy moments. Caught up
    in you and so caught up in my self and this battle I am constantly fighting.

    There is no escape, I have tried it all, I have done everything within my powers.
    I tried to deny, to rationalize away, tried to ignore, tried to walk away, tried to look at you from the worst possible angle. An angle so bad deforming truth to a degree where everybody would run. Ah not I.

    I am so helpless, so weak and lost like a newborn baby left alone at sea.
    I am not only in a prison cell but tight up on this wall for a life sentence. But only for you!
    A sentence given for no obvious reason at all. I searched deep to find reason, something I may have done wrong, if I may have needed to escape from my reality, something special you give me that I never had, a word, something anything. No, there is no reason valid enough to have me in this prison cell. NONE!

    I am a prisoner and even though my logic tells me many of things, one of them it must be myself because only I can change myself, this seems not to be the case.

    All of my life I have been strong, I consider myself still strong if not stronger yet YOU are going to be my downfall.
    How much more direct can you be? Your words ring in my mind constantly.

    You love me but are not ‘in love with me’

    You never ever let me go.

    You care about me but only in yahoo and in your mind without any connection to the real world

    Your fear to lose ‘me’ (I have begun to call this ‘me’ your fantasy island) is breathtaking and instead of making me feel needed, it became annoying thinking it’s your way of making your pain more important then how I feel.

    You are in a ‘supposedly’ happy content relationship with a picture perfect woman who is the complete opposite of me. WTH am I even doing?

    You don’t ever want to talk about anything else but rather mundane things so that you can relax.

    You have this need to be loved by everybody and the entire world, while I, strangely enough, just want to be loved by you.

    WHY is that? WHAT is wrong with me that I can’t break this spell? How can you possess each of my thoughts when we have no contact and comes our time, I run to the computer forgetting everything I am writing here. One word, usually ‘um’ melts me into something that I am really not, but I am for you.

    Are there really powers at work that are stronger then my free will?

    I am a prisoner of those powers and as fascinating this is, finding a side of myself that I was utterly unaware off, it is more then due time to let go of me.

    I am a realist and this fantasy/spiritual stuff slowly but surely drives me insane. This is a point where I even consider professional help. What could they do or tell me what I haven’t already told myself a million times over? Is there such thing than a sanity pill?

    Yes, I love you, so what! Or what now? I know nothing anymore but how I feel in contradiction to what I know I have to do, should be doing. My focus is gone, I am struggling to maintain basics, a place that I can not afford to be in. Especially right now! Do you ever think of that with just one second?

    How is it possible to love someone who treads you like this. Like I am for granted? Like I am not worth to be real? Like not good enough? Like a toy that needs to prove to you over and over and over that emotions are real? What I say and do is real?

    Maybe I am not real at all? What is real? After all I could have just fallen into an internet addiction, right? Gee but if that’s the case, there are many cyber fantasies out there that would surly be more accommodating and maybe even pleasing my emotional needs?

    Yes, there are a million and one reasons to love you, god knows you are so worth every speck of love you get but NONE or very little you dispense on me. The only exception is that you are you with me and the amount of time you spend with me. Is it really me you spend this time with though? Do you even see ME or is it all just about your fantasy and needs?

    This is not a custy, cliche, romantic I love you letter, not at all!
    What IS IT ABOUT YOU that has such a hold on me???
    (and no, don’t flatter yourself all superficial reasons I would literally even prefer you without!)

    I think my main problem is that I just can not believe your words.
    I don’t believe your love yous and I don’t believe your I’m not IN love with yous, I don’t believe your I miss yous, I don’t believe in any words anymore period! All bullshit, forgive me my bluntness! My problem is that my heart won this time around and no matter what is said or done, this feeling deep down inside, beyond right and wrong, beyond real and unreal, beyond truth and lies, this feeling won and I am literally unable to shake it.

    I need help, I am aware, I really do!

    I HAVE to find a way out of my prison, one way or another, with or without your love.

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