• I’ll never be the same

    by  • July 12, 2011 • * Safe for Work *, Cheating • 1 Comment

    I’ve done many things in my life that I’m not proud of. I’ve screwed up friendships, broken hearts and had my heart shoved back in my face. But I’ve regret nothing until my experience with you. I gave up so much for that meaningless affair we had. I gave up the security I had in our friendship. I gave up our late night, soul searching conversations. I gave up the hope of sharing my faith with you. I gave up a best friend. Everything has changed. But nothing, NOTHING hurts more than knowing I chose you over the one person in the world that loves me more than anything. He knows me better than anyone and I feel like nothing in the world matters as long as I have him by my side. Did it really only take the long distance for me to forget that? I hate myself for the decision I made to have a physically relationship with you. I hate how I at first, I bought into the idea of being “loved” by someone else. But I hate you even more. I hate that you watched me cry and still insisted we continue. I hate that you saw me struggle for months and didn’t help me. And I HATE that I asked for everything to stop countless times yet you held me there. You knew how hard it was for me to say no but you kept taking advantage of me. You were supposed to be my friend. I trusted you so much I the beginning. Now I can’t look at you without getting sick. Now that summer is here, I don’t have to see you. But going back to school scares the hell out of me. I want to forget it but it will be hard when I see you every day. It is also hard when I look into my boyfriend’s eyes and see my mistakes glaring back at me. He doesn’t deserve what I did to him. Now I have to live with the secret. Our little secret. I hate you.

    One Response to I’ll never be the same

    1. Jane Doe
      August 20, 2011 at 11:50 am

      I did the same thing. You hate yourself, you hate the one who talked you into it. I even cried during and he said to continue. We made our mistakes. But we can take solace in knowing that we at least aren’t the only bad guy.

      I wish I could say it gets better. It doesn’t though. it hurts every day.

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