It has been almost two years now since that battered evening in March; the night you plucked the stars right from their holder and gently allowed them to burn my skin. I remember the streets we walked while you told me we would be better friends and the way the air seemed much too cold so close to April. I still can’t believe I kept it together. My eyes were dying to flood the roads and wash away the memory of what had transpired. I barely said anything at all, I wouldn’t even hug you…I should have known it was the beginning of a brand new person right then and there.
Since that night, we’ve fought bitterly and made amends, but I still have not forgiven you. We’ve had coffee, sure, and you even helped me out with textbooks, but it’s not even close to forgiveness. You ripped out crucial components of my personality, of the person I was before you decided to let a stampede run rampant over my body. You blind-sided me without any kind of warning, or the slightest mention of a growing distance between us. I broke my own rules when it came to you; I let you into my world and allowed you to witness the full extent of unsheltered love. I gave you my hand and you dropped me off the side of a cliff.
You knew how hard it was for me to trust and how scared I was of loving you in the first place. I let my shackled romantic come out and greet you with all the warmth I possessed. I spent hours pouring over poetry just to find the one piece that suited you best. I listened to the slow melodies of acoustic and wrote about how love could heal the wounds; fade the scars until they were only pinpricks on a distant horizon. It happened so long ago, but I’m still recovering. I’m still angry. I’m still filled with the regret of knowing I lost myself.
I haven’t been in a relationship since it happened and though I’ve had opportunities, I always find a reason to run far, far away. I’ve become a rather cynical eighteen year old; bitterness and love have become synonymous. Honestly, I just don’t want to be this person who lets the past way her down. I want to rewind and steal way the bright eyed girl before she gets her heart lacerated. I’m starting a whole new chapter of my life soon and I’m sick of wading through yesterday’s murky waters. I’m sick of being unable to tell people how I really feel. You really did hurt me, but I want to get on with the life I know I’m meant to live. I want to forgive you, I really do…hopefully, this is where it starts.
-The Rebound Girl