Ever since the trip, everything has been different. You have no idea how much I miss be telling you I’m a bitch and you not believing me. And the thing is, I barely even did anything wrong. I don’t know what was going through your mind. Did you think I was kidding or something when I told you that I needed you? And just because you were frustrated with me for doing a minor thing wrong, you thought that I would be okay if you stopped talking to me? Just like that? And suddenly you’re doing all the things that you used to do with me, that made me feel amazing and special and needed, you’re doing those things with my other best friend? You’ve told me that you need me in various forms, some of them extremely serious, many more times than I’ve told you that, but apparently you were lying. I could never have stopped talking to you, I just CAN’T do it. But seeing as you can, I suppose you don’t really need me. And realizing that crushed me. It was the best feeling in the world to actually be needed by someone, to think that you’re helping someone in some way. God that just leads to more…
And then, the next week, you told me what the mark was, and it hit me that nothing I’d done had made even the slightest difference. I want to help you so much, I don’t want you to hurt yourself ever and you told me you wouldn’t (granted, even at the time, I didn’t really believe that).
It really bothered me that you couldn’t apologize. I apologized so many times because at that point (well actually, throughout the whole unpleasantness), I didn’t give a crap what you had to say to me, I just wanted you back. And to me, that’s kind of a sick friendship. I shouldn’t need to feel that way. And B was right, I’m not going to ever get an apology from you, not when it really matters anyway, I don’t think.
What bothered me the most, I think, about the whole time when you stopped talking to me was that you didn’t tell me what was wrong. It was just little hints that something was off, that you were angry. It was very manipulative. I don’t think you understand how much those two days scared me. In that time, I realized how attached I’d become to you (note: far too attached). One of my biggest fears is that you’re going to decide that you don’t want to be friends with us anymore. With me anymore. And you basically had me live out that fear, even if only for a couple of days. It was like a glimpse at what would happen if you moved on to another group of friends, and trust me, it wasn’t pretty. Every time I looked at you or thought about you or listened to a song you’d given me or heard you name, my stomach would flip and I would almost throw up. It was terrifying. But the last thing I want to do with you is put up walls. I don’t want to become numb because numbness dulls the positive as well as the negative. And the positive is just so amazing that it perhaps cancels out the negative.
And you told me you depended on me a ton of times, but now I’m not really sure you were telling the truth. You said that your old friend group used to pretend that they cared about each other a lot, but really they were just self-centered and mean at heart and it seems to me that maybe that’s what you’re still doing. I know, old habits die hard. And maybe you aren’t, I don’t really know. I don’t know anything. It’s just that that idea scares me. A lot.