• Well, here I am, again

    by  • July 11, 2011 • * Safe for Work *, Letting Go • 0 Comments

    A few years ago, I wrote a letter to you, and gave it to this site. Now, under similar conditions, I find myself back here again. After reading through a few letters, I decided that I should try my hand at writing one more, just for you.

    I remember every detail of our first conversation perfectly. I suppose the details of that aren’t terribly important, but I still remember. Yes, it was over MSN messenger, through a mutual friend, but still, I remember every detail.

    Shortly thereafter, I think I fell in love with you. It wasn’t just a fling, or a little crush, but an honest and sincere love. I loved your personality, I loved our conversations, I loved the feeling of knowing you without the pretense of the real world. Just us, happily talking. I loved talking to you about books, movies, horses, and video games, as well as more serious topics, like God, religion, and the Bible. I loved being able to talk to somebody with Christian views similar to mine.

    I remember feeling crushed when you started telling me about your boyfriend. I despised everything about him, because I knew that he wasn’t good enough for you. I hated watching you throw yourself at him and submit to his every whim. I hated how you stopped caring about me. I hated how I couldn’t stop caring about you.

    After a year of abuse from him, he finally broke up with you, and I thought that it might do you some good. Unfortunately, you still wanted him back. You still couldn’t imagine life without him. I had to listen to your rants and desperate cries about how he was “The only guy that ever cared.”

    No matter how many times I tried to tell you that I cared, you never listened.

    I tried my hand at letting go, and dated another girl, but my heart wasn’t in it; I still loved you. The relationship with the other girl did not last long.

    For a while, we were getting along quite well. I think you might have actually called me your “best friend” a couple of times. Few things have ever made me as happy as that.

    I also remember a few days when you came out here to visit me, in the real world. It was truly amazing how we just started talking, like we had always been friends. No awkwardness or contrived personas. Just honest conversations.

    And then you started dating other guys. You always seemed to pick the absolute worst excuses for males you could find. No matter how many times I said “This guy sounds like bad news,” you would say “I know what I’m doing. Back off.” So, I would.

    I still loved you.

    I remember when you told me that you had a one night stand with some guy. Somehow, I managed to remain calm and collected as you went through the details of why you did it. I nearly threw up as you tried to rationalize it. But, I kept my chin up and kept trying to help you. You always asked for my advice, but you never listened. I think I could have helped a little…

    Suddenly, you started talking about how nobody ever cared about you, and about how every guy was just awful and mean. I often wondered why I kept putting up with you, but for some reason, I did.

    Perhaps I still loved you.

    And now, you seem to actively avoid me. I try to talk to you, and you run away. I’ve tried to keep our friendship alive, but you don’t seem to want that. Honestly, it hurts.

    But despite all of that, I still love you. I still think that you are the most beautiful girl that I’ve ever met. I still think that you are wonderful. I still wish that you loved me too. But, I know that you never will.

    With that, I just want to say, be careful. I hope that you will keep being the intelligent, funny, genuine person that I’ve loved for years.

    I’ll always be here for you. If you ever need me, you know where I am.

    With love,


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