• Maybe

    by  • July 11, 2011 • Heartbreak • 3 Comments

    This isn’t working. I should have known better. It’s too soon. Maybe this way is better.

    Maybe I should just be honest. Honest with you but most importantly honest with myself.

    Remember that quote? The one that worried you so much.

    “I give and give even when I get nothing back. And that sets me up for disappointment.”

    Congratulations. You have effectively made it come true. It wasn’t a big deal before but now you are 100% responsible for making those words true.

    I hate you sometimes.

    I hate you for what you did to me. I hate you for embarrassing me like this. I hate you for taking everything and giving me nothing.

    And I don’t want you to apologize because saying you’re sorry doesn’t change what happened. And I don’t want you to apologize because I don’t forgive you.

    But mostly, I hate me.

    I hate myself for trusting you. I hate myself because I can no longer be “myself”. Because that person only ever tried to do what was right. And she fell in love with her best friend and gave everything until she had nothing left. And that’s what I’m left with, nothing.

    I finally thought that I’d got it right. I thought that I was finally being rewarded for all of my hard work and effort. I thought that maybe, just maybe it was my turn to be happy for once. I mean, didn’t I deserve it? Didn’t I deserve to be happy and loved?

    I had followed “the rules”. I had never had sex. I wasn’t kissing anyone and everyone. I’d never cheated on anyone. I had standards and I lived by them and finally they paid off.

    Or so I thought.

    They say there is a lesson to be learned in everything. The only lesson I’ve learned is that you can be a good person and you can follow the rules and you can even be the perfect girlfriend; but in the end it could mean absolutely nothing. So why even try?

    Stupid girls like Jesse and Anisa who treat their men like shit get to keep them. Girls who don’t know what it takes to make a relationship work and don’t deserve to be loved get to have boyfriends and get married. But not me. When all I did was love you and try to encourage you and make you happy, I get dumped. Where is the justice in that?

    Linkin Park says it well, “And what it meant to me will eventually be a memory of a time when I tried so hard and got so far. But in the end it doesn’t even matter. I had to fall to lose it all. But in the end it doesn’t even matter.”

    I can’t do anything anymore without thinking of you. Every fucking thing reminds me of you. I can’t get in my car and go anywhere without thinking about how much you loved driving it. Everywhere we went you would drive and I loved that. I can’t go to some of my favorite restaurants anymore because of an “adventure” we had there or a “virginity” that was taken. I never want to step foot inside the Jefferson house again or watch another episode of Arrested Development or make hot-dog-bun french toast. I think of all the things we had planned to do together that now I don’t want to do. I don’t ever want to bowl again because it’s tied to you. And you know how much I loved bowling! I can’t even bring myself to listen to my favorite band anymore because it’s yours too.

    I don’t even want to talk to or see certain people because they remind me of you. I had to tell poor Crystal that I didn’t want to see her. I had to tell her she couldn’t come over with the rest of the girls because she is your twin. I feel so bad about it because I love Crystal dearly and she doesn’t deserve that but I just can’t handle it. How fucked up is that?

    I can’t be myself anymore because all of the things that defined me are too painful now. And why? Because I let you in. Because I unselfishly gave you the best part of me. You used to make me smile every day. Now all I do is cry.

    I loved the person that I had become over the past 3 years and with you. And against all odds I thought you loved her too. But she still wasn’t good enough. I can’t be good enough.

    You said you never wanted me to change but now I have to. Now I have to be someone else because the girl you knew is still in love with you. And you’ve made it so that I can’t be her anymore.

    So I hope you can sleep at night knowing that you not only took away my best friend and the person I loved the most, but you also took away my favorite things and memories. And why? Because you’re selfish. Because you chose something intangible, an ideal, over me, your best friend.

    I don’t get it. I was patient. I didn’t pressure you. I only loved you. More than anyone else. How is that wrong? What did I do wrong to deserve this?

    I feel so betrayed. I feel tricked and used. I feel like the whole thing was one big lie. Like it was just a sick joke on me. Every hug, every time you held my hand, every time you said you loved me. And I was the fool who believed it.

    How the hell am I supposed to trust anyone if I couldn’t trust you, the person who claimed to be my best friend?

    I never want another best friend. They only hurt you in the end.

    3 Responses to Maybe

    1. JP
      July 11, 2011 at 11:29 pm

      I know the feeling of being betrayed by your best friend, who you love more than anyone and wish you could be with more than anyone else. I just “broke up” with mine. He hurt me so bad. And now I’m just lost; I just don’t even know what to do anymore.

    2. Lisa
      September 30, 2011 at 5:03 am

      This is hardcore. The person you are describing is the person that I married. That seems like it should have led to marriage for you and I am so sorry it didn’t work out.Maybe you should move to a different area, meet new friends,start over. You can rebuild, it just takes time and faith. All wounds heal with time. You should buy a ring for your left hand and get perspective for you, not another relationship, that can only make matters worse for now. Find something new that you enjoy ALOT, do something youve never done before. Take a picture of yourself that makes you realize it’s YOUR life, and go to Church and ask Jesus to take control and help you get wisdom:)

    3. @JP
      January 26, 2014 at 7:00 pm

      Your NEVER there for me when I need you most…who betrayed who..hmmm?

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