I remember our first interaction. I remember sitting on my couch in the family room. I remember getting the text message from her, the one that said you wanted to be my friend. I remember getting your first wallpost, which escalated into full length conversations that could have gone on for forever. I remember knowing the first time that I spoke to you, that you were the one that I would love forever.
I remember the first time I met you. Your knee had been injured in a soccer game. You wore your favorite shirt that I would one day get to call mine. I remember the day when you kissed her. I remember how painful that was to be around but I knew you didn’t feel anything for her. I knew that it was just convenient, I just wish I had had the courage to tell you that you didn’t need to kiss her, you could have had me. I remember that day in my basement, the one where she left early and it was just me and you. I remember your arm around me and the tension that we both felt, because we both knew, deep down, that we were meant to be more than friends. But you left before anything happened, with just a friendly hug to say goodbye.
I remember not going a day without speaking to you, telling you I loved you every chance I could get and hearing the words back in return, planning our getaway plans from every problem that we ever faced, planning our lives once we got out of college, sharing every thought that popped into my mind with you. I remember becoming best friends.
I remember that night, June 4th, when we both had a little too much to drink. I remember that first kiss, in the woods, barefoot. You told me you loved me. I was too afraid to say it back. I was too afraid that if I admitted it, that i would eventually lose you, just like I lost him. So I just had fun with you, had fun kissing you, even if it was just for the night. In the morning, we just pretended that nothing had happened. We continued on with our friendship, telling each other each and every thought but then that day came. The day where you sat on the phone with me before you left for Europe.
That’s when it all really started to fall apart. Having to go weeks without even being able to talk to you. I remember the text message that I got at 5 am, the one that woke me from a sound sleep, yet I didn’t even care. I was just happy that it was you.
You came back from Europe and it wasn’t really the same. We didn’t talk as much, you didn’t seem as interested in me as I was in you. Weeks started to go by without me even talking to my best friend. I felt you slipping away and I didn’t know how to stop it. You slipped away.
But now we’re talking again and I just don’t know what to think. You seem excited and happy but then distant and cold. I feel like I missed my chance with you, but I’m going to keep dreaming that one day you’ll wake up and realize you still feel the same way too. You’ll realize that you miss holding my hand just as much as I miss holding yours.
You were the best friend I ever had. Even though we were never officially together, you are the one person who will always have a soft spot in my heart.
I love you Jeremy, not that I’m in love with you. I just love you, simple as that.