Honestly, I really really miss you.
Having a crush on you for over two years … I don’t understand how I could possibly do this. It doesn’t even sound like me. I mean, I get over things pretty quickly. I guess you’re just not some random person in my life. But then again, you’re really not in my life. You talk to me only when you’re bored, I bet you stopped texting me back because you found something better to do. I am just an entertainment. And foolish me, I knew it, too. But I expected otherwise. I was expecting that you actually thought of me, wanted to talk to me, and texted me because, maybe, just maybe, that you missed me.
I think about you a lot. I don’t think think about you, though. Everytime I do, I tell myself not to. And really, it’s not a good place to go. Thinking about you makes me regret everything I have done so far. Not being able to be with you is just … torture. Don’t worry, it’s not some intense over-an-hour crying kind of torture. It’s just that I feel like I let such a wonderful possibility, and perhaps even happiness, just slip through my fingers. I would have been with you, at the very LEAST awhile. I would have had fun with you. I probably would have even fallen in love with you. I love you now. Not in the way that I love a boyfriend, but probably in a way that you are a dream that I would never be able to live. But if I would have the chance to be with you in the future, I will, I will, fall in love with you.
I love being with you. Even though I would very much like to fuck you, but honestly, being next to you, makes me so happy. There are butterflies, actually, lol. Not in the juvenile way, but in a way that the sight of you, just my seeing you, would make me smile. The memories, as few as they are, make me smile, too. They make me wanna go back, and then think about all the possibility that slipped by again. Sitting on the bench with you on the eighth floor, cutting Art Class to see you, to hug you, to be close to you, to kiss you. Wow, I really really miss those times.
The fault is mine, though. I know it. I was thinking about someone else when you liked me. I was thinking about yet another someone when you liked me after you got that girlfriend of yours over freshman year summer. I was so mad when that happened, lol. The agony, ugh. I facebook stalked her and everyday, I was thinking why you would choose her over me. She is pretty. And you guys probably had a lot together, I was happy for you, but I was really sad. So when you told me you guys broke up, I was a bit sad for you, but I was really happy, lol. But then again, stupid me, I was thinking about someone else again. So I didn’t kiss you on that day. Wow, was I stupid.
Now I am with someone, for over a year and a half now. I love him, I do, I really really do. Everyday and everything we have endured and experienced together makes me love him even more. I love you, too, but it’s different. I love you right now, only now, as a dream, a fantasy, something to regret and to wonder about. But I will love you, with everything I have, if only we can be together, one day… hopefully, if you’d give me another chance. I wouldn’t want to be with you now, I guess. ‘Cause honestly, you’re a keeper, I wouldn’t want some stupid teenage drama to fuck it up, and fuck the slim chance of us lasting up.
I miss you. I love you. I will love you. I wanna be with you.
And everyday, I wonder if you feel the same.