I need to be honest with you and I don’t mean to hurt your feelings or anything. The other night, I really wasn’t completely honest with you and I need to be now.
I feel guilty. I know that there’s nothing romantic going on between us, but I still feel guilty about what happened, because I shouldn’t have done it. I should have told you right away when I felt uncomfortable, but I didn’t know how and I was confused. I didn’t really think anything of it when we held hands. Friends can hold hands. I hold hands with my friends all the time. I told myself that it didn’t mean anything and kept reminding myself that it was just a friend thing- not even a date.
When we got to the movies, I had no issue with holding your hand again. When you asked me to sit in your lap it crossed my mind that it was maybe a bit strange, but it’s a friend thing and I do like to cuddle, so again it wasn’t a big deal. Then you kissed me. I was a little shocked. Clearly the lines were being blurred. And I should have said something then, because it felt wrong.
Like, what is a kiss without emotion even? It’s nothing, but two wet lips pressed together. At least for me, unless I have feelings for the person it’s not even all that enjoyable. It was just weird and I didn’t know how to respond. Then it happened again and again and I realized that I’d made a mistake.
I’m really happy with my boyfriend. I know things have been rough for me and him, but they’ve been much better and when you kissed me and I didn’t say anything, I felt as if I’d betrayed him. But I didn’t want to hurt your feelings and I couldn’t help but wonder if it was my fault because I held your hand and sat in your lap. After the movie ended, I guess I still just didn’t know what to do. I wasn’t even really thinking at all. I guess maybe I just thought it was something that if I pretended it hadn’t happened then it would stop being an issue.
I’m trying to write this without sounding like a bitch and it’s not going well. I’m sorry.
Fast forward to sitting in your driveway. I still didn’t know what to say or do. I already felt like a bad person at that point. I guess I still just wasn’t thinking. I don’t mean to say that you’re bad at kissing or whatever, but without the emotion it’s nothing but awkward and strange. Now, I can’t deny that there were parts I enjoyed. Like, my neck thing. I did legitimately enjoy that, but making out is just not something I can get pleasure from when I don’t have romantic feelings for the other person.
You know when and why I stopped. Maybe not completely why though. Maybe, yes, I’ve grown more confident and mature since you met me, but I’m still the same person I was in high school. I’m emotional and loyal and the complete opposite of a girl who fools around in the backseat of someone’s car. We could never be friends with benefits because I really wouldn’t benefit enough to outweigh the guilt and shame I’d feel. I knew that I wasn’t going to have sex with you that night or ever and I should have told you.
I really had a million chances to speak up, you asked me if I was okay, but I just couldn’t bring myself to say it. I just wanted to get home and forget about it. I’m so sorry. I’ve just had a really rough summer and I just need friends- no benefits. Just someone who wants to hang out and watch my favorite movie with me, and sure we can hold hands and cuddle because those are two of my favorite things to do, but I don’t need or want anything beyond that, especially not with someone that I don’t have romantic feelings for.
Again, I’m sorry, because you probably feel bad and I’m totally to blame for not speaking up. At least I did before anything got really bad, but it should have been a lot sooner than that. My mistake.