I think I finally figured it out. Good God, I may have it now!
My best friend. My stupid, amazing, frustrating and wonderful best friend. I spend half my time wanting to strangle you and the other half wanting to talk to you. God you confuse me!
But that’s not the point here. In the past week you managed to enter a “Facebook official” relationship (why should Facebook matter so much? That’s kind of dumb) and it tore me up inside. So I’ve been doing a lot of thinking since then. About what you mean to me, what I mean to you, and what the hell I should do about us. And then, after a few texting sessions, Facebook chats, and dinner conversations with other friends of mine, I figured it out. I have finally reached a peaceful understanding, a serene place for my feelings to dwell for now.
We’re best friends. You’ve told me that several times over the past year. I know you care about me and that you worry about our relationship. Whenever I get mad at you, you always end up getting concerned and talking it out with people. And maybe you’ve messed up a few times, but I know I have too. I’m sensitive. I have a strong fear of rejection, and I’m paranoid that no one actually likes me. And I’m frustrated too, that no boy I have feelings for reciprocates them. Granted others have had feelings for me, but due to my aforementioned issues I’m too scared to make that jump. I want to be asked out on dates and not necessarily enter a relationship yet. I want to feel special and regain some of my self-esteem; I have to if I ever want to try to make things work with you.
I know that I have feelings for you that hint towards more than just friendship (Okay, everyone we know sees that too.). And judging by what others and I see happening between us, you feel something for me too. Maybe you don’t realize it yet and consider your feelings to be brotherly. But I know you care very deeply for me, and that one day we’ll have our chance. You want to date a lot of people right now. You have girls chasing after you left and right (sadly, I’m included in that…) and you want to enjoy it! I don’t blame you. You want flings, and I’m long-term girlfriend material. I’m the optimism to your pessimism, and you’re the confidence to my timidity. We complement each other perfectly, which is why we’re such good friends; and we could be such a wonderful couple. But neither of us is ready for that yet.
I love you so much, as a brother and as potential for more. We bicker and tease like we’ve known each other longer than the eleven months we have. You go out of your way to pick me up from the airport when I fly back to school; tell me that I’m beautiful, amazing, and kind; leave me anonymous gifts; took me out for Valentine’s Day to show me how a guy should treat a girl on a date, solely because I’d never been asked out. I’m terrible at expressing my feelings out loud, so I don’t know if you’ll ever understand just how much it all means to me. I’ve never felt more special and more loved. No one else has ever gone so much out of their way for me. You read about friends like this in books and see them in movies; I’m blessed to experience one in real life.
I know it’s not one-sided either, where I just take while you give. I thought I was losing you second semester. You were changing into someone you never wanted to be, and it killed me to watch. Yes, I got mad at you a couple times. But I finally worked up the courage to tell you, and you’re back to normal again. We’re back to me jokingly giving you a hard time about everything, and you teasing me in return. Back to me faking being offended, and you apologizing because you care so much about me (even though I’m not really hurt by it). Back to casual texts and Facebook chats when we’re away, random jokes, my playful threats not intimidating you ever. And we’re even closer than we were before, as I’ve worked up the courage to finally open up to someone about my deepest secrets. What relief I felt when you didn’t judge me for telling you about my anxiety and OCD related issues. And as you help me through tough times, I help you through yours.
There haven’t been too many people in my life who completely get me. Granted you don’t understand me at times, and I don’t get you, but I chalk that up to gender differences. Girls think guys don’t make any sense because y’all say one thing and do another, whereas guys think us girls are strange and mysterious (but if you read between the lines you’d understand!). You actually get me. I have a strange and quirky sense of humor. Most people endearingly laugh off things I say, do, and type, and either give me a funny look or tease me about it. You actually fuel my weirdness, embracing the things I say and do. I have an obsession with rubber ducks? You give me a duck. I love pirate movies? We have an entire Facebook chat talking like pirates one night. I tell you I hate being forgotten because it’s happened too many times? You tell me that you didn’t forget me when you drop off my Christmas gift. I could go on for quite a while. You pay attention to what I say, and that means a lot to me.
So I guess what I’m trying to say is that I think I finally understand why I can’t have you right now. We make amazing best friends, and our friendship means the world to me. So I’m sorry for getting upset when you either get a girlfriend or date another girl. I just don’t want to lose you like I did last semester, and I don’t want you to stop caring for me as much as I care for you. You make me feel special, and I don’t want to end up second rate in your eyes, not worth the effort you once put into our friendship. So thank you for being an amazing friend. I love you so much more than you know!