• I don’t even want to write this letter.

    by  • July 11, 2011 • * Safe for Work *, Loneliness • 3 Comments

    But I’m losing control. I’m trying so hard not to lose control, but everyone’s leaving me. And I’m not exaggerating. MY ENTIRE family is leaving me. And I will be left alone to my own devices all summer, in this huge house by myself, alone. And I’m scared and I feel so lost. I have been taking care of myself since I was five. Passed around from family member to member. Unwanted. Left. Abandoned. Unwanted. And when I was wanted, it was to spite the previous person taking care of me. But mostly it was just me. Taking care of my siblings. I guess what I’m trying to say is that I have an over whelming completely ridiculous fear of abandonment. I never felt truly wanted. Wanted at all. Never loved, never needed. Not by anyone, not my family or my friends. And it’s fine. I don’t expect it. I do well on my own. Well mostly. It works because though I am alone. I am surrounded by people. Fucked up and awful people. People who tell me they don’t love me and do to many pills and don’t actually care. But it means I’m not alone. It meant that I could pretend that I was. I meant that I was okay until I left for school soon. Because even then, even if I don’t make friends I will be in a school surrounded by people. I don’t do alone. I can’t. I just can’t. I will go mad. Why does every one always leave? Always tell me they love me and then change their mind? Be my best-friend but only when it suits them. I am never first choice. I’m not even second most of the time. Am I that worthless? Where is this coming from? Why am I freaking out?

    I just want to numb it all. But I need to be a better person. Because I’ll drag you down with me. And I can’t do that again. I won’t survive that again.

    3 Responses to I don’t even want to write this letter.

    1. Uncool
      July 11, 2011 at 5:15 pm

      My response may be lengthy but take it as is. We may know not each other but that’s alright because in reality I do understand and empathetic towards your plight. I too associate with people who know very little about me but I know an abundance about them, my distaste for there activities are insurmountable because they spoke about how they would “teach me” about female preferences and how to basically be in a relationship with someone like them.

      However what they spoke about was anything but helpful as they sought all the ill qualities I actually am disgusted with such as vanity, greed, lust, etc. and they acted as if they defined what being a great female human being was when they were anything but. They are the people that inspire you and make you a better person, they are what keep you up when you fall down and moreover the one you can count on being there when you need them the most (which could be said about anyone who is virtuous in nature).

      I was so disgusted that the the people who had inspired me in the beginning were anything that their facade had shown. It was so repulsive that I’ve chosen isolation because of it and now they wonder why I am acting as such. In reality I am more comfortable with it myself but its not something to be proud of. I have long yearned to be loved by someone who also understands me and I see you are the same. 🙂 Its that prolong lonliness that can make us cold and often distant to the people we know only because they were the ones who provoked it in the first place.

      Its funny in a rather pathetic way that the talking to oneself is the closest thing I got to a friend right now because I cannot see my alleged “friends” to be anything but horrid, two-faced people. Its hard to open up in general because we don’t want to be hurt but I let them into my mind because I too seriously wanted them to understand me. Its been several days going onto weeks know that I chose to be excommunicated because I just couldn’t be in there presence and now I too feel like an outcast. Its even worse when they forget you exist even if your near them but thankfully not all of them are like this just a select group. Someday I hope the world realizes that treating people like me and you is unjust and shouldn’t be allowed to happen.

    2. hope
      July 11, 2011 at 8:05 pm

      It is tough. I know what it is like to be a third-choice best friend. I have been there. People disappoint me left and right. I am a girl of deep convictions and high standards which most people tend to say are too high. I used to wonder if they were right. But they were not. It is hard to stand out as someone different, but I prefer it to pretending to be what I am not. We are all messed up-we know that. They won’t admit it, but we do. It is hard after a while to be understanding when you have to be empathetic to everyone, but no one seems to empathize with you. In fact it drives me crazy. But I know that I am doing right. And expecting great things from people is one way to help them reach their potential. The best way to deal with this is to just try not to think about yourself. It is terribly hard, but when you stop looking for people like you, they show up. God has perfect timing and will send the people you need just when you are ready for them-perfectly ready. Learning to accept disappointment is something I am working on-it takes a great deal of patience. But I can’t give up on people, and I know the right friends will come along, a few have arrived, and I am blessed for their presence. Sometimes those people are hiding right under your nose, too. So keep your eyes open.

    3. beara
      July 11, 2011 at 11:45 pm

      and you seem as if you would be the type of person sit while someone talked down to you. but the down is only after 30 min of silence from you from a discussion that was needed and started peacefully. but forced into what people do. yell.
      mostly people who are so prideful to themselves are the ones who most people feel are at fault. you cant just say people leave you and treat you bad when someone

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