But I’m losing control. I’m trying so hard not to lose control, but everyone’s leaving me. And I’m not exaggerating. MY ENTIRE family is leaving me. And I will be left alone to my own devices all summer, in this huge house by myself, alone. And I’m scared and I feel so lost. I have been taking care of myself since I was five. Passed around from family member to member. Unwanted. Left. Abandoned. Unwanted. And when I was wanted, it was to spite the previous person taking care of me. But mostly it was just me. Taking care of my siblings. I guess what I’m trying to say is that I have an over whelming completely ridiculous fear of abandonment. I never felt truly wanted. Wanted at all. Never loved, never needed. Not by anyone, not my family or my friends. And it’s fine. I don’t expect it. I do well on my own. Well mostly. It works because though I am alone. I am surrounded by people. Fucked up and awful people. People who tell me they don’t love me and do to many pills and don’t actually care. But it means I’m not alone. It meant that I could pretend that I was. I meant that I was okay until I left for school soon. Because even then, even if I don’t make friends I will be in a school surrounded by people. I don’t do alone. I can’t. I just can’t. I will go mad. Why does every one always leave? Always tell me they love me and then change their mind? Be my best-friend but only when it suits them. I am never first choice. I’m not even second most of the time. Am I that worthless? Where is this coming from? Why am I freaking out?
I just want to numb it all. But I need to be a better person. Because I’ll drag you down with me. And I can’t do that again. I won’t survive that again.