I love you.
I am in love with you.
But I can’t be.
It has been 3 months since the last time I saw you. Probably 4 months give or take since the last time we spoke. Although more like 8 months seeing as what we did then I don’t really consider speaking. It was fake. Rehearsed even. I am sure we sounded like perfect classroom acquaintances to all around us. Little did they know it had not even been a month since the last time I had felt your touch on my body, your lips on my lips. Our limbs intertwined, hearts beating fast. We played our parts well and I assure you they had no idea. Although there were a couple times you let slip I knew things about you. Things one wouldn’t know if they were only inside-the-classroom type talkers. Things they wouldn’t know even if they had spent even a couple afternoons with you. It was torture being stuck inside that small 20 student class with you for 3 hours and 20 minutes each week. Being forced to look at you, hear your voice, and sometimes interact with you. To pretend to not notice the sideways glances you made at me, how nervous you got when we were near each other. Your voice cracking when we spoke. Torture. Wanting to reach out and hold your hand or hug you. I dreaded going to that class yet waited in anticipation for the time to reach 2:50. I knew you would be there and I would get to see you.
I don’t know why I can’t let you go. Why I still dream about you almost every night. Why when I think about you my heart still races. Why I can still hear your voice echoing in my head. I don’t know why I miss everything about you. Your goofy mohawk. Hands almost as small as mine, skinny jeans. Skinny waist that I could wrap my arms around. Faces you would make at me. Light shows. Your excitement about life. Kissing you. Being next to you. Laying with you.
I miss everything. I love everything. I can’t have any of it.
“Sleep alone and it’s so hard, darling
You’re next to me in my head”