Today we are in Florida. I never really can decide if I like it here or not. I love the trees–the forest. But I always long for our view of the Rockies. I do love how quiet it is here and all of the wildlife but yet I’m still the wimp I was as a child; I fear what creatures lie in waiting out of sight.
The family time is wonderful. As I sit here I think of how lucky I am to have such funny, loving parents and a sister who is also my best friend. Yes, you all do get on my nerves a lot but I love the three of you more than anything. Always remember that. My love for you and for mom and dad is greater than the value of my life. It is you that keep me going.
When I am here, I both do and do not think of Him and what He did to me. I feel at peace most here. I’m not angry or sad or regretful here. When I am here, forgiveness seems possible. Still, the small towns and trains make his house come to mind. And even though he now lives in Florida, I don’t care. It doesn’t make Florida seem contaminated or anything.
I am okay. I hope you know that. I pray that you don’t stress yourself with worry for me. Most days I am still angry and I do still push people away. John kissed me last friday. He’s waiting for me to come back and tell him I want to be with him. I know I’m going to tell him ‘no’. He grew up; he’s a nice guy. One day I’ll need a nice guy–but I’m not ready yet. I need more time on my own. He won’t understand, how can I expect him to? Maybe when the day comes that I can open my heart–my trust–he’ll still be here. I hope so.
I still struggle with blaming myself for what happened That Night. I blame mom and dad too sometimes. I tell myself that they should have noticed that I was different. That something had happened. But deep down of course I know it isn’t them. I was just starting high school, it was normal for me to change. Mom and dad love me and if they knew I know they would go to the ends of the earth to try to make it all right. Even though we all know that nothing can be done now. What happened, happened. It was over a year ago, I can’t get back what was taken from me. I never can. I have to grow and move on. And I will, but it will take time. Maybe someday when I’m older I’ll get help, but for now I have to figure it out on my own. But I don’t mind, this is helping me find out who I have become since That Night. I’m okay and someday I’ll be great.
Please don’t worry so much, I love you to the ends of the universe and back a million times.