I think I am beginning to understand.
You two fell in love and were just beginning your relationship when I came back into your life. I’m sure I made you question a lot of things, as you did me, but you two held onto each other through it all. From the outside looking in, I see that you two have a strong relationship along with a lot of love and and a whole hell a lot of trust. You said way back then that you weren’t worried about her, it was as if you already knew who she would be… it was as if you had already been to the future and came back to fill me in about what would transpire 30 years later!!
What amazes me the most is her trust in ME. I know there was a short period there where she started doubting her trust in both of us but soon realized that she had nothing to worry about it. I remember her telling me that ‘just talking’ was cheating. We never talked about it, so we are not guilty about that either. We kept it platonic and resisted the temptation to just ‘see’.
But we are guilty of something. In the process of making sure we didn’t talk about it with each other, we were still letting each other know, by saying or doing things to see if we could get a reaction from the other about something only we would know about. I can’t help but feel guilty for that, although you did it more than me. Not only did we do this, but if we stay in each other’s life, I know it will happen again from time to time. And I can’t help but look forward to the ways it will happen, and to see the way our memories affect each other. I treasure all that you did to show me… to tell me something I had long forgotten.
I on the other hand was already in a weak relationship when you came back into my life. For me to be in a relationship with someone I have to feel their love in order to return my love. I didn’t feel his love and never did. I was already trying to gather the strength to find a way out and leave him. I have no idea why I went back after I got away the first time, I guess it was better than being a burden to my kids. When I went back, I told him about you… or at least what I could remember at that time. I know for a fact he didn’t like the way we went down memory lane but he was okay with it as long as you two remained friends. But when he felt you pulling that friendship away, he started to make a big deal until finally he told me I couldn’t see you anymore without him being present.
I had all this love in my heart and nobody to share it with when you came back in my life. I soaked up the way we talked to each other without saying a word. You were all I thought about during my struggle to remember. I spent years gathering the memories of our special night years ago. I spent years trying to figure out if I was even on the right track by believing it was really you…all because we never actually talked about it and the fact that it took that long to even remember you had the same name.
The memories of that night caused my heart to come alive. I started believing in a greater love… a soulmate kind of love. I realized I could still feel love in my heart, oh what a great joy!! And I realized the reason I couldn’t feel love from my husband was because he didn’t really love me, at least not the way I needed. I tried, I tried so hard to feel his love but it never happened. I thought that when I first went back that I might have felt it but it was just an act. We fizzled out again, the friendship between you two started to fizzle and he made his demands. I wasn’t allowed to see you again without him present, even if she was there. I stopped trying and I left him.
I still believed in this greater love, but I also knew that we will would never be together in the physical. So I had to move on and find the love I was looking for. Who would have thunk I would have found it with him… the one person that is the furthest from my ideal man. His faults are many and he has a lot of issues to work out but our love is real. He knows about you and that probably has a lot to do with the fact that he doesn’t like your gf… my best friend. Because he knows she is keeping us in each other’s life. Even if it is by trying to set me up with your best friend. But we will get around this just as you two did. And I hope that one day I can finally introduce you to the one that has my heart. But the timing is not good right now.